A Culture of Pain
By Kenneth Winfrey, in viewpoints
Monday, November 12 2007, 10:17AM
Kenneth Winfrey Reports
In my last post, I wrote about how affirming it was to read about two studies which found that LGBT people of color were more comfortable with their homosexuality than other groups. Some of you seemed to think that I was trying to deny the struggle of being black and/or LGBT. There were even a few comments alluding to the possible existence of a conspiracy to make people believe in the research. Some also thought that what I wrote did nothing more than widen the divide between the races.
To the first charge, please know that I am not a part of an organized effort to make people deny their pain or otherwise minimize the struggles of LGBT people of color in a world where people are still quite often treated badly because of their race and/or sexual orientation. Now, on to the second charge.
For me, race is a topic of irony. As a very spiritual person, I grow more and more each day into seeing myself less and less as a “black” man, a “gay” man, or even as a “male,” and more and more into seeing myself simply as an human being. So, when I talk about race it is generally from a place of learned responses that racism has taught us as black people.
When I read about black people doing worse in certain areas (like the penal system), I become very anxious in my race consciousness. That’s because I know that what happens to a person simply because he is black can therefore happen to me. Through that same lens of race consciousness, I see the studies from Columbia University and the Asterix group as a victory in which we, as people of color, can all share. I can read about things like that with the hope that our suffering as people of color has somehow served us in the struggle for equality across sexual orientation. The way I see it, learning to be proud despite people calling you ugly or dirty because you’re black is very much like being proud despite people telling you that you’re going to Hell, or that you are disgusting, because you are same-gender loving.
Acknowledging the Pain
At the heart of it, race consciousness comes from a world where we have labeled each other “winners” and “losers.” The word “race” itself carries this connotation, and its use, according to dictionary.reference.com, to describe people of ethnic origin began in 1490, during the emergence of the industrial slave trade. It is important to note the difference between slavery in many other times (or places) and the Mid-Atlantic Slave Trade was that a person’s status of a slave no longer resided solely in the level of education, family status, or even money. It all came down solely to the color of one’s skin.
Thus, today, even as a black man ever-seeking greater and greater spiritual awareness, my Earthly existence as a black man is undeniable because, of course, people react to that very visual aspect of who I am. However, where I am today, living in Albuquerque, New Mexico, as a freelance writer and designer, and as a spiritual being, I am not as concerned about race on a personal level. I have friends, clients, and associates from just about every ethnic group. My partner, Daniel, is an incredibly handsome, loving, noble Hispanic-American man with a family that dates back to this region before it even became a part of the United States.
Yet, I know that I may not be living the “norm” in America. With frequent noose-hangings, injustices in the so-called "justice system," and some disturbing cultural trends playing out everyday in the news, I am reminded of whence and where, I came. I see the Jena 6, for example, and I see young men who look like my closest friends at that age. I read about the black woman who was tortured by 6 white people as they shouted racial epithets, and cringe. I hear Duane “Dog” Chapman’s rant, and wonder why he needed to use such words to describe another human being. I also can’t help but wonder how an “accident” like that can happen on the heels of Michael Richards (from Seinfeld) and Don Imus’ similar “accidents.” Each time I turn on CNN for a bit of noise while I work, or pick up the Albuquerque Journal from my doorstep, I know that I will find a reason to think, “…but for the grace of God go I.”
As a very ethnically integrated city in a state with a diverse cultural heritage, Albuquerque isn’t the “norm” either. I am reminded of this when I go home to St. Louis or Philadelphia, cities where there are black neighborhoods, white neighborhoods, Puerto Rican neighborhoods, Mexican neighborhoods, etc. I see the cultural markings of each community—testaments to the culture and civilizations that wrought them. Unfortunately, I also see divisions, disparities, dilapidation, deprivation and dejection on the faces of the people who are in the neighborhoods like the ones where I lived. Because I am black, and because I was once there, I feel their pain. Not only do I feel the pain of the present, but I also share the collective memory of every slave that was kidnapped or swindled out of Africa onto this continent.
Celebrating the Pain
Fortunately, however, this pain does not enslave me today. I am transcending the consciousness of victimhood and this culture of pain that says, “There is no victory here!” Having done so, I am willing to embrace this pain as an indication of strength, as well as the forward evolution of our entire society. But don’t get a brotha wrong, I also know that a couple of surveys won’t give us that. I am under no delusion about the state of black America, or America at-large, for that matter.
Yet, I still wonder how we can rise above this to a world where people are wholly appreciated for the unique gifts that they share. I wonder if we will we always be trapped in the state of mind that attributes experience to complexion. I wonder if we can now turn to acknowledge, celebrate, and even exploit the strength of endurance our common struggle represents. Because every other successful struggle for equality seems to be based upon our own, it is evident that our history has given us the strength that teaches other oppressed people how to overcome. Is it so hard to believe that there might be a light (not a train) at the end of the tunnel? Is it so hard for us to finally sing that song "full of the faith that the dark past has taught us" or better yet, "Sing a song full of the hope that the present has brought us?"
I am rarely on a mission solely to convince anyone, for it is as close to sin for me as it can get. However, I do like to share, and I actively seek diversity in all aspects of interaction with acceptance and respect. For me, true diversity means understanding that each individual is unique, AND celebrating our individual differences in culture. These fascinating differences can be along the dimensions of race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, or even ideology.
As the exploration of these differences should be carried out in a safe, positive, and nurturing environment (such as this site, ideally...), it also must consistently be about moving beyond mere tolerance to embracing and celebrating the rich facets of diversity contained within each individual. Therefore, I can appreciate even those who choose to believe that “they” can continue to hold “us” back. ...and I shall always be proud to be a black man.
Comments conceal
ramsueno
November 12 2007, 11:01AM
wonderful response..."transcending the consciousness of victimhood"...I appreciate your perspective, value your time and enjoy the journey your writing moves us toward...
Derrick from Philly
November 12 2007, 11:20AM
"...celebrating the rich facets of diversity contained within each individual."
Oh, yes, Kenneth, that's beutiful. Ane that's what I thought "gay" was all about. The sex part of being gay was cute for a while, but in the long run it aint worth much. But the friendships, the memories, the fantastic "unusual" human beings in the gay life--that diversity is what I enjoyed. Maybe I'll live to see that celebration you describe gain more popularity among mone homos before I go on to that great Bette Davis Film Festival in the sky.
Jermaine
November 12 2007, 12:10PM
Good stuff on a issue that is still hard for race to deal with, race and homosexuality.
I guess I was one of the lucky ones, I never had to deal with the racism of the world, until I got into the gay one, i.e. clubs and such. Then and there, my home training came in handy, first and foremost, I am a strong man, who just happens to be black and gay, and, sorry, peeps, no one can change that.
The only thing that bugs me in 2007, is that racism is still alive and well, just more subtle, and, we have to fight it on two fronts, straight society and gay society, and, when you love yourself, its easy to do since, you know at the end of the day, its still about you doing it your way, and living your life to the fullest since hate based on skin color is in the fabric of the US and, isn't going away anytime soon, and, black glbt's know this, and can deal with this obstacle just like every other one and continue to thrive.
Liquid Fonts
November 12 2007, 1:13PM
Whatever Kenneth. When life is going well for ppl they always have a "gift of hope in transcendence" to share with those who find themselves on the ass end of civiliation. And I do appreciate it for what its worth but Today my emotions are flat. Im tired of dealing with racial-homo-classiphobia. I am completely spent and the folks in my environment at school and work make sure they tax my very last nerve and then do their level best to point out every mistake I make once they've exceeded the max then sit back and talk the nastiest shyt about the black fag. Monday is suppose to be about productivity but Im going to pull my shades, turn my phone off, crawl my ass back in bed until I feel myself again ready to take on the world.
Billy
November 12 2007, 1:47PM
Liquid, I felt similar feelings over the weekend to yours. I finally came out of it today.
Kenneth-very good. It's easier said than done but it can be done. That's the "heaven on earth" life that I want to live.
elg
November 12 2007, 2:11PM
I'm feeling sort of like Liquid Fonts about this article: maybe I should move to a place with relatively few black people and find myself a non-black lover and I, too, can see myself less as a black gay man and more as "simply a human being". There's only so much a black openly gay man can do in my conservative mid-western city.
I'm been thinking about moving to Palm Springs, California where I have friends. One of my friends in Palm Springs is a black gay man who dates white gay men exclusively although somehow he and I became platonic friends. It's a lovely desert town about two hours east of Los Angeles with few blacks (I'm thinking of straight black people) to get on my nerves and pull me down with their vicious homophobia.
Floridaboy8703
November 12 2007, 2:44PM
Kenneth I always look forward to reading your articles. They are so articulate and insightful. And always have a message of hope. I agree with everything you say. And I have similar opinions and views on many of the things you talk about. I was surprised when many people doubted the validity of the article you posted. Becuz I live in a college town and there is tons of diversity here. And the homosexuals are doing very well in terms of seeking education, progressing, and becoming the leaders. I am never depressed or sad when it comes to my same sex loving status. I have no reason to be. Im young, black, gifted, and gay. I take pride in that notion. I feel that some people like liquid, while yes your situation may not be bad. No one likes to be known as the "black fag". You cant blame society as a whole for that. And you cant lose confidence in yourself. Continue to press on. You are a divine original created with a purpose and for a purpose! Maybe a location change is due. "Your Pain Does Not Enslave You"
Ostend Street
November 12 2007, 2:48PM
Liquid Fonts, elg, and Billy I hear your subtle messages. As a Vet, I wasn't tuned into the I'm human, I am above being black and gay theme. Someone needs a reality check and it certainly isn't me. I am with the three of you of this one.
Derrick from Philly
November 12 2007, 3:06PM
Ostend, elg, Billy and Liquid Fonts: I have read many of your postings. There aint nobody nor nothing that can keep y'all down for long. And be proud of the fact that no matter how annoying and difficult a period of time may be, be proud that y'all didn't turn to unsafe sex, drugs, or alcohol...not like some people (I'm not going to name any names but you can guess--well, not the drugs and unsafe sex anyway).
elg: go on and make that move, but remember, even in a new setting, life is still what you make it...Lord, listen to me. You know what I mean.
ramsueno
November 12 2007, 3:15PM
I can understand a bad day, but lets not make everyone else have a bad day. I know I shouldn't harp on someone's post. But Ostend, nothings wrong with being "above" something. Some are up some are down...every situation is different! Kenneth is feeling in a place he's comfortable with, above from where HE WAS BEFORE and not saying that you or anyone else HAS to attain the same place that he is. This is his journey and I don't believe he's expressing it to offend, pull down, or discourage anyone else. Its nice to hear positive things sometimes and it's easy to hear the negative. Let the man's path take him, where its going to take him...trying to tear him down shouldn't change your day...and if it does, ask yourself why...
J
November 12 2007, 3:19PM
Integration is poison.
The fact that some people are waste and cannot appreciate, respect, and work with others doesn't mean that we need to do away with culture or labels. I don't want to live in Princeland. Most of the people that preach that flower child nonsense are just eager to not be non-aryan or have some equally sad view of themselves and the world. Before certain groups of people decided to shit all over the world, there were actual HUMANS that understood that everyone and everything had a purpose and position, and everything had to be protected and valued including other races/cultures/IDs. We need to return to that way of life. We don't need to become bots.
Samuel Brown
November 12 2007, 3:39PM
Please don't forget all of the misery and pain that comes from the black religious institutions when it comes to sexual orientation. People who are and were affiliated in those organizations are having great challenges in just acknowledging their true sexual identity.
Thank God that there are LGBT resources in place and progressive people like you and Keith to stand as a beacon when one finally has the nerve to reach outside of there religious box.
Samuel
In(Ner)Sight
November 12 2007, 3:52PM
Question: Why do we expect people to change so we can feel better about ourselves? Why do we rely on someone else's opinion and validation inorder to feel good. No wonder we become angry. We're angry because we disempower ourselves. We think we're angry at that which we're responding to, but we're really angry at ourselves. We're angry because DO NOT know how to remove ourselves from the place where we feel vulnerable. Who can we control? Who can we change? NO ONE! The only ones we can control and change are ourselves and my brothers perception isn't passive. Its an act of creation.
Most of us would call ourselves spiritual and/or have some degree of faith. So I would suggest that we point our faith in the direction of what we want and where we wanna go. Putting our energy into problems only creates more of it while draining the zest and zeal for life out of you (ie liquid fronts. no shade baby)
Jermaine
November 12 2007, 4:28PM
I agree inner, I refuse to let others dictate how I should live my life and if I'm allowed to be happy. We all have bad days, we have all met and dated jerks, we all have fools in our families who spew the bible, we've all had to deal with some racist fool, gay, or straight but, hey, its your life and, if you let them tell you who you are, and how to live, its all on you. And, if, you don't love yourself, no one else will, black, white, green, orange or any other hue. Can't mope around blaming others, life is too short, and there is too much fun to be had.
And, I still don't see why some let others turn them bitter, when you do, you are giving them way to much energy to feed of you.
Derrick from Philly
November 12 2007, 5:21PM
Y'all know what? Some of us confuse cynicism with realism. Well, it aint. Cynicism is just cynicism. I'm a cynic, but I aint going to put down or discourage somebody who wants to improve and enjoy their life. Try and do whatever it takes to make it better. It's YOUR life, live it YOUR way.
elg: If you want to try California and you've got a plan, go on and DO IT! DO IT!
J
November 12 2007, 6:42PM
I wouldn't encourage ANY person especially not a black man or woman to move to Cali. I'm sorry if I offend some people, but Cali is ignorant and expensive. I think that some of us need to find a balance and compromise when it comes to certain things. What's important to you? Be realistic about your expectations at a certain point in your life and know that you may have to take a step back or cut some things out of your life to be happy now or in the future. You may have to break your life up to meet your needs and place restrictions on it. I know most of us may not have many options, but that doesn't mean you have to accept that as your life. Every person gets to a point where they have to be a little selfish and make HUGE changes so they don't end up being a zombie. Oh and excuse me, but FUCK hippy/college towns. Ever notice what kind of black folk come out of them?
LaFontaye
November 13 2007, 12:24AM
Oh please, "true diversity" in America is an ideology that is just about as simple and silly as Bush's 'spread democracy all over the world' agenda.
How could there ever be any hope for a functional diverse society within an institution that is as rotten to the core as is this God-awful capitalist monster we've come to know as America?
Back to reality, 'Sunshine'.
Karmatic
November 13 2007, 12:58AM
Liquid Fonts~ preach on it lil Ninja!!
elg
November 13 2007, 7:18AM
Derrick from Philly: thanks for your concern.
J: I'm wondering, just what kind of black folk come out of "hippy/college towns"?
MidwestGuy
November 13 2007, 9:19AM
Kenneth, brilliant follow-up. What I liked most is that you talked about your experiences and how that has shaped your view of the world. Thus, enabling you to become a better person.
What more can you ask for than that.
All the naysayers aside, thise is what we all should strive for--peace, balance, security. It doesn't (in your case) come as a mandate but an offering.
Again what more can you ask for.
I sense that many of the negative posters (elg, liquid fonts) do suffer from insecurity, unhappiness and possibly depression.
The good thing is that those things aren't insurmountable and as with everything, can be overcame.
Somewhere there is someone young or old black gay who is grappling with life, your honest, heartfelt stories are always in my head:
You're like a cool breeze on a summer's day
You're like a river running through a desert plain
You've been my shelter from the pouring rain
You were my comfort even before the pain
Because I hear you in my head
Keep doing you!
Derrick from Philly
November 13 2007, 9:28AM
J,
Actually, I don't know that much about California except what I've seen in the movies. What I do know about is one of the worst ailments a human being can suffer in their 40s and older: it's called the "shoulda', woulda', coulda'"s. It's a killer, J. If you've got a dream while you're in your twenties, give it a real try.
As for intergration: if someone of another race respects you and your culture,or is learning to respect you/culture , go on and give that a try to. I used to be anti-race mixing--especially if the black man involved was gorgeous. Now, I don't give a hoot who you love as long as y'all respect each other.
Race mixing aint all that bad, J. Hell, it produced your favorite actress: Ms Berry.
Calm down, J...just joking.
MLee
November 13 2007, 9:32AM
What you need is a man, good loving and a long term relationship to cure all that ails you. This may seem unattainable to you. That is because you are a major part of the problem. Stop letting other people control your life. Tell them to go to Hell. Then, go out and find what you need. Don’t tell me there are no good men out there. They are found every day. It is OK to tell me “Look who’s talking.” But, I still know what I am talking about. As someone else on this sight once said, “Prove me wrong.”
'dre
November 13 2007, 9:41AM
Cali is fiction as far as it being so progressive and racially tolerant. In L. A. the Hispanics are accused by the Feds of trying to keep blacks out of "their" neighborhoods by killing them. Liberal and progressive S. F. had a huge boycott of the gay, mainly white Castro area for the treatment of blacks and other gays of color.
So, love yourself no matter where you are, and, if some of these nutty black folks are driving you nuts, put them in your place. You have a right to happiness just like everyone else, but, you got to love yourself first and quit blaming others for you not being happy.
And, the mind set of victim hood is not reserved just for blacks, there is a whole lot of unhappy folks out in this world.
Blue
November 13 2007, 9:56AM
Interesting and insightful. Good job, as always.
MidwestGuy
November 13 2007, 10:01AM
Sorry, I meant Kenneth.
Too many k's--keith, kenneth :)
Liquid Fonts
November 13 2007, 11:27AM
Midwestguy I'm glad you feel the right to express your opinions freely but I feel the way you and others went about defending Kenneth is actually kinda dangerous since you are in no position to diagnose anyone as mentally ill on a message board. Not that I'm personally offended but If someone really is mentally ill they shouldn't be ashamed of themselves yet you used (Mental Illness)sorta like a tool to discourage people from expressing how they feel about issues that affect more than just you or me. Im more inclined to think that anyone who believes human beings ought to display happy 100% of the time never expressing negativity where appropriate, might be hiding a few psycho-emotional grimlins of their own. I can disagree strongly with Kenneth Winfrey, Keith Boykin or anybody else and still love and respect them personally. So Midwest please snap out of your "battle for Kenneth" fantasy because you're taking a powerful force and making him out to be weak.
J
November 13 2007, 12:47PM
Elg,
they're the kind of black folk that preach that "universal love join hands" crap and hate their own. The only black people they're seen with are their parents. If they happen to bother with us it's only when they desperately need an ally or want to use us in some other way. ROAST. BREADFRUIT.
Derrick,
It's not about those "relationships." It's about us being erased.
MidwestGuy
November 13 2007, 1:18PM
LF>, Looking through your lens, I can see how you could conclude that I'm only defending Kenneth. That's far from the truth. What I have done is read this and past articles. Thus concluding that how Kenneth is choosing to live his life is working for him.
Bravo!
If me stating that some posters like yourself (emotionally spent, black fags) seem to be unhappy or depressed, suggest that I am discouraging people from expression, then you aren't dealing with reality anyway.
A would rather a writer project happiness in life rather than "doomsday" as some of you seem to prefer. It's unreasonable for anyone to think that Kenneth doesn't have bad days or weeks. It just doesn't mean that he has to come hear and cry about it.
Oh wait, he's talked his personal "problems" and people often said he shared too much.
Anyway, I liked this piece and got what "I" needed out of it.
So LQ, please snap out of your "me against the world" routine, pull your shades up, and live your life.
nhlanhla
November 13 2007, 3:19PM
I am not spiritual, so I may have always missed out on Buddha's bliss. But still I doubt whether one can be happy without being entirely honest.
It is only dishonest to read, focus, highlight and twist messages partially for purposes of validating one’s purpose or self (esp. against others - and then claim to transcend group identity (or strive to).
It is most dishonest to retreat to some spiritual realm and discursive engagement when the logic of our proposed views or ideas are attacked and appear flawed.
My sense at this point about Kenneth, the person, is that he thinks ideas, opinions or theories are personal identities of character. Hence, attacking them is attacking the person. Well in my not so spiritual world, ideas are proposed solely for internal logic and for vilification, to get closer to the truth. In that process a fragile ego is a real nuisance. So, I doubt one can be happy within such conflicts But then, 'never underestimate the power of denial', 'life is beautiful'
Ostend Street
November 13 2007, 4:00PM
Derrick from Philly -- love you too!!!!
elg
November 13 2007, 8:21PM
MidwestGuy: You wrote "it is unreasonable for anyone to think Kenneth doesn't have bad days or weeks". So he can have bad days or weeks but I can't without being an "emotionally spent, black fag". When Kenneth, not so long ago, was writing about his failed relationships with emotionally and sexually unavailable men was he (back then) an emotionally spent, black fag? Your anti-gay name calling (on a black gay man's website, no less) is not just about my response to this article. It's more about the disagreements you and I have had in the recent past where you came off so poorly that at least one commenter mocked you. Kenneth wrote about his spiritual journey. You wrote "I liked this piece and got what I needed out of it". What actually did you get out of it? It certainly wasn't the transcendence Kenneth was reaching for. Your crude comments show that you are incapable of that.
Liquid Fonts
November 13 2007, 10:01PM
Elg thanks for pointing this out because I wondered too how Midwestguy could go from being spiritually uplifted by Kenneth's post to attacking his fellow black gay brothas for simply being honest. As I said earlier, I think Midwest's method of discounting & oppressing other black gay voices by attempting to shame us with mental illness labels is dangerous. Its implying that If your black gay life isn't like kenneth's at the moment, then you hate Kenneth, you must be spiritually weak,you must be engaged in self destructive behavior and you must be mentally ill etc and therefore have no right to express your views on Kenneth's posts because crazy people have no grip on reality to begin with LOL
What a crock of shit! He's taking Kenneth's spritual energy, breaking off a big piece for himself and using the rest for wickedness.
Tsk Tsk Midwest.
chauncy
November 23 2007, 3:10AM
Regardless of who feels the most pain or experiences it, one thing is for sure, any insult or action that you find yourself in the middle of always hurts. well in my opinion it does. you know, however well you are able to take it depends on your own strength. its so weird how great the common man's insight is than compared to previous ages of humanity. i mean be proud of being able to that.
215Taures
December 12 2007, 8:41PM
Kenneth,thanks for "your" insight.. Much appreciated..
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