Your Condition is Not Your Conclusion
By Kenneth Winfrey, in viewpoints
Monday, September 24 2007, 9:52AM
Kenneth Winfrey Reports
A while back, I wrote about a trip my boyfriend Daniel and I took to St. Louis and a moving sermon by the preacher at my home church. In her sermon, she preached about Job, and how his trials and tribulations weave to tell a story of undying hope, faith, and patience. The theme of her sermon was “your condition is not your conclusion.” She also talked about suicide as a “permanent solution to a temporary problem.” Now, in a twist of fate only a few weeks later, Daniel and I are stunned into grief by the suicide of a loved one.
On Friday, September 14th, (which happens to be 2007's Stop a Suicide Day) Daniel's first cousin Manuelito ended his life. I didn’t get to know Manuelito very well before he died, but his reputation was that of a loving, compassionate, and benevolent 41 year-old man who died with no enemies or grudges.
As we visited him during his final hours, and as he lay lifeless and brain-dead on life support after taking an overdose of sleeping pills, I wondered what kind of hopelessness could take a man to this point. As it is told, he was not only fired from his job but also newly estranged from his wife; all within the space of a week. I suppose that’s enough to make a person think of suicide, but to actually go through with it seems extreme for the kind of guy they describe. In fact, many in the family say that Manuelito may have taken the pills hoping actually to be discovered and “rescued from himself” before it went too far. Perhaps it was all a failed attempt just to get some attention. I guess it doesn't make much difference now. Lito is gone.
This isn’t the first time since I’ve been in New Mexico that I experienced a loss to suicide, and I recently learned that New Mexico’s suicide rates have historically been nearly twice the national average. In 2004, my friend Rachel ended her life with a bottle of pills too. However, Rachel seemed to have a charmed life. She was successful real estate agent and a prolific fellow printmaker—one of her magnificent pieces hangs in my living room. I did get to know Rachel very well while we would talk for hours as we labored over our work at the studio she and I shared. Towards the end, however, she was mostly curious about a near-death experience I had earlier that year.
My Journey to Heaven
In January 2004 I was stricken with pancreatitis that resulted from the use of a protease inhibitor used to treat HIV. Later that month, I would find myself lying in the ICU barely conscious--and being told I would have only 8 hours to live. During those 8 hours, I would come as close to death as a person can come and have an experience that would change me forever. Rachel wanted to know about it. She wanted to know what it felt like to die, which is kinda hard to say because I don’t know if I really “died” in the clinical definition of the term. Nevertheless, I did have a classic near-death experience.
During this experience, I believe that I did visit what I call heaven or the after-life. It actually looked a lot like the Common/Macy Gray video, but this was no music video--trust me. During my experience, I saw relatives that had made their transitions including, most importantly, my dad--but he told me that I couldn’t stay. He told me that I had much work to do for this world and that the best in my life was yet to come. In other words, "my condition was not my conclusion." So I asked him why my life had to be so hard? Why did I feel so rejected, dejected, and misunderstood? He told me not to "try" to die. I hadn't realized it, but up until that point, I really did feel that hopeless, I just didn't have the motivation to be more active in my own demise.
Then a being appeared who was made only of light and led me away. This “angel” took me to the place where (I believe) we all come from and go to beyond the body. There, I would realize a level of clarity and understanding the likes of which I cannot describe or even reclaim as a human being, but everything made perfect sense to me (and I still trust it as a "feeling" today...). Among those things I can recall is seeing what seemed to me to be groups of souls assembled to do various tasks required to give us humans in the body what we need to evolve into consciousness.
Beyond this place, I saw what I believe to be “God,” and boy, did I have some questions for “Him.” I asked again why—why was I Black, gay, “too” high-yellow, “too” creative, too short, too poor, have HIV, on and on. I gave “God” what-for, so-to-speak, for making my life what I thought to be much harder than that of others. In response, God told me that he had dreamt of a better world when he made me (just like he did when he made everybody else…) and that within each of us are the gifts to complete our divine missions. “What is my mission?” I asked. To that God replied, “...just go back and LIVE!” and then I woke up.
There is so much more detail to that whole story than I will describe here today (but that’s the gist of it) and Rachel would often come to the studio with specific questions written down for me to answer. A few of her questions were about what happens after people commit suicide. I told her about what I "saw."
I told her that I saw souls that were there because of suicide, and that it was the closest thing to Hell that I can imagine. What I recall is very similar to what is shown in the movie, “What Dreams May Come.” This place where people who commit suicide go was a mental "place" of tortuous regret for not giving life a chance.
Rachel asked if this Hell lasted forever. I told her that nothing lasts forever except for God “itself,” and that those souls eventually learned to "forgive" themselves (and that God wasn't the the one who has to forgive us...) and that, apparently, they do eventually get the opportunity again to fulfill their divine mission and to learn what it is that they were sent here to learn. Two months later, she was gone.
Who Commits Suicide and Why?
My near-death experience was such an affirming experience for me and I loved to share it. After all, learning about God giving us a “purpose-driven” existence was more important than what happens to people who commit suicide, but I think that’s the only part Rachel seem to have heard. So, after I learned of her suicide, I started to become reluctant to share the story. When I heard about Manuelito, I started to think about it all again, and I wondered how many people in America, supposedly the greatest nation on Earth where stories of great hope and freedom are thought to prevail, take their lives with their own hands, and why.
Furthermore, as I stated above, I find it compelling that New Mexico, a place that I find so enriching and fulfilling, has suicide rates consistently ranked 200% of the national average.
I suppose I’ll never know exactly why each person commits suicide. I know why I didn't really want to live anymore, but ultimately, only some of us choose to remain hopeful and live on.
Statistics show that Whites have the highest suicide rates among us at 12.9 per 100,000. (For Blacks it's about 2 per 100,000 but is increasing...) That quickly makes any theory about racial oppression as a sole or certain cause hard to prove. Rachel was white, but Manuelito was, like most New Mexicans (including Daniel), both Hispanic and Native American. Remarkably, Native Americans carry the second highest rate of suicide: 12.4 per 100,000.
Here are some other facts about suicide in the U.S.
- Suicide takes the lives of about 30,000 each year.
- On an average day, one person ends their life every 17 minutes.
- Every 2 hours and 12 minutes a teenager/young adult kills him or herself.
- Overall, it is the 11th most common cause of death, more frequent than homicide which ranks 14th.
- Among young people, it is the 3rd most common cause of death.
- There are 4.1 male deaths by suicide for each female death.
Suicide Attempts
- In an average year there are 734,000 annual attempts (estimated, no annual national data available).
- For every death by suicide, there are 25 attempts.
- Among youth, there are 100 to 200 attempts for every death - often used as a cry for help among the young.
- There are 3 female attempts for each male attempt - males are more lethal in killing themselves, i.e., using guns. Nearly 60 percent of all suicides are done with a firearm.
- 5 million living Americans (estimated) have attempted to kill themselves.
Suicide Among Homosexuals
- Lesbians are two times more likely to attempt suicide than straight women.
- Attempts by gay and lesbian youth account for up to 30% of all completed suicides.
- Gay teens are 3 times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers.
- Gay youth are 4 times more likely to make a suicide attempt requiring medical attention.
- Gay men are six times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers.
From The Trevor Project - http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
If you think someone is suicidal, do not leave him or her alone. Try to get the person to seek immediate help from his or her doctor or the nearest hospital emergency room, or call 911. Eliminate access to firearms or other potential tools for suicide, including unsupervised access to medications.
Finally, if you are considering suicide or just feeling hopeless, remember that your “condition is not your conclusion,” and that if you can’t count on anybody (or anything) else, know that the winds of change will blow.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis. If you need help, please dial 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
Comments conceal
Derrick from Philly
September 24 2007, 10:31AM
Sometimes I wonder whether all suicides are committed during periods of great despair, or are some deliberate, thought out, timed events. Some people, especially some older people just decide, "I've had enough." I know that ninety something percent of folks will say that suicide is wrong under any circumstances I don't know for sure. I think many of us can empathize with those who decide to leave here because they are in great physical pain--some cronic illness, living with pain everyday. But I think we have a difficult time respecting anyone who would end their life due to prolonged mental pain. Some even call such people selfish and melodramatic. Well, again, I don't know. I'll tell you one thing: when you add alcohol, tobacco, recreational drugs into the picture, the suicide rate may be much higher than those statistics show. Instead of doing it in one moment, those of us who drink and smoke too much may just be making a slower exit.
cinny
September 24 2007, 10:53AM
Too bad about Manuilito.
I note as a nation we take anti depressants and anti anxiety pills at a fiendish rate. I think over 43 million Americans take such pills daily.
Here is a link to simple dietary things we can take to support a positive disposition:
Not to politicize everything but ...
Is there a chance that ...
The oppressive form of end stage capitalism, combined with the the Neo Con agenda: anti family, anti healthcare, anti environment, apartheid education programs, regressive tax programs, punitive racist/homophobic ultra right wing fundamentalist judiciary, complete senorship of all media, offshoring of jobs, destroying foreign markets, controlling heroin and cocaine sales, imposition of the permanent War and Security State, heavy reliance on Futures Trading, Fear mongering, Sowing hatred instead of tolerance, suspension of habias corpus, are in part to blame for this suicide?
Blue
September 24 2007, 11:03AM
As always, your writing is a pleasure. An uncle of mine just attempted suicide, so, this is very timely. Good looking out.
Herndon L. Davis
September 24 2007, 11:57AM
Thank you so much for sharing your near death experience and for also shining the light brighter on the topic of suicide. You've enlightened more people than you can probably realized including myself........Herndon
S.L. Brown
September 24 2007, 1:19PM
Thank you so much for sharing this story. I was once there. Wanting to end it all. I had five deaths to happen to me within a six month period. I had just started a new job and my roommate whom which I was in love with, decided to take a job in another state. So I know how people can get to the point that they want to take their lives. Its called "Life Altering Events"......Tramautic Losses!
However, I went and got help. And I thank God that I'm still here. That same job that I started 5 years ago, I lost. I have'nt worked in about 10 months. I feel sad sometimes but I know I'll be ok. God brought me through alot and I know I'll survive.
Billy
September 24 2007, 1:57PM
"Finally, if you are considering suicide or just feeling hopeless, remember that your “condition is not your conclusion,” and that if you can’t count on anybody (or anything) else, know that the winds of change will blow."
That is one of my favorite sayings about the "winds of change". This was a sad piece you wrote but necessary. I pray peace for those souls and comfort to their families.
page
September 24 2007, 2:38PM
Remember that most people take their lives becuase of the extreme mental pain. If you or anyone has this type of pain for years and years, then suicide seems like the only way to end the pain.
Black Woman
September 24 2007, 2:46PM
Excellent post, as always. Most NOT all of us have contemplated suicide at least once in our lives. If not suicide, we've all had 'really' desperate thoughts.
I think mental healthiness or unhealth is real. Too many of us think we can just pray stuff away. Sometimes you need to get professional help or take your meds. Too many of us are broken and go through life hurting other people, our family, our selves, etc. What's wrong with paying someone to help you get through your junk. Friends and family are great but they do gossip and talk about you like a dog.
Kenneth, I'm glad you pulled through. You've definitely accomplished a lot and have more more to do. Thank God!
Ostend Street
September 24 2007, 2:56PM
Rather than suicide as a permanent solution to a permanent situation, many time suicides are a permanent solution to temporary situations. Because this topic is so serious, I would suggest that anyone contemplating suicide or if you feel strongly that your situation is hopeless please seek professional assistance immediately. I applaud the information being given via this blog; however, I repeat please seek professional assistance immediately. We need your sensitive loving spirit right here on earth with us.
Karmatic
September 24 2007, 4:49PM
@Kenneth Winfrey~Once again, the topic of GOD or FAITH comes up when the discussion of suicide finds it's way to the lips of BLACK people...I'm sick of the damn notion that mentally ill people (who attempt Suicide) are somehow without faith, or may be seeking attention...Suicide is another form of Homocide!! (and both of these actions requires a break down in the mental construct) .Do you bring up the lack of jesus when a young Black man kills another? Of course you don't!! Black people have more respect for people that commit Homocides than those that take their own lives...I refuse to hear this religious dogma that prevents you from knowing the facts!! You wrote that Manuilito was problably seeking attention because he chose to take sleeping in the hope of being saved by a family member or stranger...What an asinine statement to make!!!
You posted several statistics about suicides in this country. I suggest you put your bible down and visit a medical school to gather some unfiltered facts!
Gordon
September 24 2007, 5:13PM
Karmatic: Speaking of homicide, someone needs to kill that high horse you rode in here on. Your comments are vile and critical, which says to me that you are an unhappy person. A person's opinion is just that, their opinion, even though you may not agree with it.
This was in response to HIS family member, not yours, how can you be so critical of something so personal. People like you kill me. Making generalizations without facts yourself.
Kenneth Winfrey, I have much respect for you for sharing something thats so intimate.
GOD and FAITH has EVERYTHING to do with a person's life if they chose to seek religion as a form of help with whatever ills them. Who in the hell are you "Karma"(addict)to be so critical.
The bible says that there are two things that are unforgiving by god, and that is blasphemy and self murder. Now you all can extend this how you want....
DeBlack
September 24 2007, 6:08PM
excellent post. life is hard. love is in short supply. time is moving swiftly. am i the only person posing this question: what is the purpose of life? black and gay and slammed over the head with religion and popular opinions, it is hard for a gay brotha to navigate through the chaos. i keep moving though. smiling, loving others, offering encouragement. i see myself in others. we are all warmed by the same sun. we are one. life can seemingly be bleak, but love(God) removes the clouds from the path of the sun.
Gordon
September 24 2007, 6:43PM
DeBlack: The purpose of life is just what you posted. Life is the good, the bad, and the ugly. I think it is out of pure arrogance that we as humans walk through this life thinking that we should be exempt from trouble, racism, scrutiny and belittlement. Regardless to how hard and wrong it is, THATS LIFE. There are certain things we have to accept as a part of being life, and move on to our planned goals.
So later on if we find ourselves asking that question to god or ourselves "why me"?, ask yourself another question "why not me"?
DeBlack
September 24 2007, 7:51PM
gordon: your point was well stated. although, i dont think people are knowingly arrogant about pain and perceived pain. simply,nobody wants to hurt. yet, it is the way of the world. it is inevitable. this is where human connection comes into play. by golly, recently my experiences have tested my mental strength and my christian foundation. nothing will keep me from doing good deeds. brothas it (change,healing,fellowship) can only happen when we start the engine. gordon, the "planned goals" you speak of should begin and end with love.
Karmatic
September 24 2007, 8:00PM
Gordon~~Had the latter part of your little diatribe not icluded the mention of the BIBLE and GOD, I would have given you the benefit of the doubt..But as like most "christians" you've allowed your self-righeous dogma to blind your common sense which lead to your bullshit attack upon me!! You called me a "unhappy person" based on a few sentences typed on a damn website..What does that say about you?? Are you that insecure that everyone must agree with you and your fragile beliefs?
How the hell do you know about the affects suicide has had on my life? Do you think I'd be this passionate about it - if it were not for a lost that I've suffered along the way? And you're right, Mr. Winfrey can defend himself..I've read his entries for quite some time and I know that he is a good man that means well, but that doesn't mean I have to agree with him....
So Gordon,now that you've delivered points,take your ass to Columbia Unversity to protest the other "FREE SPEECH" that's taking place in our world.
Gordon
September 24 2007, 11:18PM
Karmatic: The best response that I have for you is YOU HAVE STERNLY PROVEN MY POINT(Large vocabulary, small person)
You are right, free speech is just what it is, free speech. Still when it comes to personal matters with family that is shared among strangers, it does not give you the right to be such a critical person about a person you do not know.
The bible is Common Sense, you should read it sometimes. And maybe you wouldn't be so bitter. Angry athiest feel the same way that you feel, so take pride in the fact that you are not alone(Angry for nothing, and mostly unhappy with life). And even though a difference of a opinion is just that, "a difference of opinion", I will refrain from using a slew of curse words to respond to you.
And lastly, sometimes free speech sometimes magnify how ignorant we are. So even though its free, that does not mean it does not come with a price.
Faith
September 25 2007, 3:35AM
Wow today's posting holds a strong place in my heart today. I am seriously struggling with a lot of challenges in life right now and I'm feeling really beat down by life. I do speak to a spiritual advisor who has been reminding me that we're not necessarily guaranteed a life of ease and luxury but God loves us and we can use these trials to prepare us for our future spiritual reward if we remain faithful. So I think about Job - but I don't like it!!! Having faith and trusting "God" or whatever one's spiritual compass leads you to is not easy when times are rough. I lost a job after being out of work for a year, broke up with the first person I've ever loved and hate where I live. I know that some people have it far worse....but some people have it better as well. So I'm just gonna try to ride it out. Thanks for the posting though it's nice to be reminded I'm not the only one. When I think about suicide it saddens me because it's believing the lie that things won't get better that will lead to that choice.
CheeseGrits
September 25 2007, 8:26AM
Kenneth, let me be honest and say that I usually find your articles, and you, to be delusional (at best). This time, you got it right. Excellent article from a very personal veiwpoint. Write more stuff like this, and do it more often. I hope that what you said really touches a lot of readers, especially those who needed to hear it the most. And honestly, we all needed to hear it. Just because I am not currently affected by thoughts of suicide doesn't mean that someone I love isn't. Again, excellent article.
LJ
September 25 2007, 10:39AM
I believe we overthink "life" and those who commit suicide attempt to simplify it in the most irreversible of ways. Everything often seems so uselessly complex (except to the highly religious and spiritual who can find meaning anywhere) and yet we tell ourselves it all has a purpose. We have to tell ourselves that to keep going.
I've thought of suicide countless times even though I'm still very young. Do I fear damnation or further suffering in the afterlife if I actually do it? No because I don't believe there's an afterlife. And I don't care too much about what other people would think of me for ending my life either, mainly because I'll never know it and before long everyone I ever knew and loved will be right there in the eternal realm of unconciousness with me. That realm we were only meant to escape for a short period called life. Some of us appreciate life and fear death far too much to ever consider suicide, for others it's precisely the opposite.
Derrick from Philly
September 25 2007, 10:50AM
LJ: Obviously, you don't "overthink" or under-think, you think very well. We need young people like you to keep some semblance of sanity in this world-- and the future of this world. Don't you go no where.
David
September 25 2007, 5:21PM
I remember a time in my life during my teens and early twenties when I couldn't cross over a bridge without thinking of jumping off of it.
Now I think of all the things I would have missed, such as
new friends I have met (and will meet), my Caribbean vacations, etc.
Aaron
September 25 2007, 7:36PM
Thank you for sharing your experience! I was moved beyond the thought of the physical suicide after your quote from God “What is my mission?” I asked. To that God replied, “...just go back and LIVE!” and then I woke up.
The mental suicide I put myself through over and over again at not doing what He born me to do.
I have just learned to LIVE and people see Life Coming through. I was told this past weekend by two different people that they were happy to know me and be in my life. I was almost brought to tears both times.
LIVE Friends LIVE you will not regret it!
NikiiBabie
September 26 2007, 9:32AM
I'm so sorry to hear this news. But I know someone who's suidical, so I appreciate the article.
ChicagoChild
September 30 2007, 5:49AM
Let me get this straight. A person's life and mental state is so hellish, that they put an end to it.
Then God makes them suffer much, much more after they are on the other side?
The message to me would be that you were born to suffer. And that there is no intervention.
Where is the love in that? Why didn't you say "Ok. I want to talk to Jesus right now."
Comment Preview