A Visit Home
By Kenneth Winfrey, in viewpoints
Monday, August 27 2007, 9:56AM
Kenneth Winfrey Reports
Not long ago, I wrote about family and how many of us are forced to create family-like relationships with those who aren't really biologically related to us. As I mentioned in that article, many of us have families that don't accept us for the people we've grown up to be. It's not just about being gay. It's about being (or not being) whatever they thought you should be--professionally, financially, geographically, or whatever. What I did not mention then was that my mother's family had been planning a reunion in St. Louis. I went, and Daniel joined me. It wasn't at all how I thought it would be.
To begin with, I came to realize that more of my family accepted my sexuality than not. I always knew that there were intelligent people in my family, but we are like any other Black family, church is important...and, as Hillary Clinton might say, "you all know what that means." However, fortunately, the only time I heard any negative feedback during the whole trip was the night before the reunion began when, after Daniel and I had a few beers with my cousins, we decided to stop at a drive-thru at a restaurant near Natural Bridge and Kingshighway, not far from where my mother lives, in the heart of North St. Louis (a.k.a. Nellyville).
We were not only hungry, but also intoxicated enough to steal a kiss while we waited for our order. We simply didn't realize the car in front of us was a captive audience, but when we heard the phrase "...faggot ass...," I sobered up a bit. Like riding a bike, one never forgets how to survive at home. So, as if I hadn't been gone more than a day, I put on a "come on wit' it" face and they got quiet. I didn't think of Sakia Gunn, Michael Sandy or any of other instances of senseless homophobic attacks until after the fact. I'm just glad nothing more happened.
The next day, Friday, the family had a fish fry. I was getting more anxious. I knew that just about everyone would be there and my family has its fair share of people who drink way too much, and then say way too much...I was just hoping that we didn't have a more intimate encounter like the one the night before. Although I shouldn't have been too surprised, everyone generally welcomed Daniel with smiles and open arms. I was even invited to grab Daniel a family reunion t-shirt to wear the next day.
...which was Saturday, when we had our family picnic at Heman Park in University City, just west of St. Louis. I had prepared our family tree with 8 generations on it. Other family members brought old photos of the 5 ancestors that nearly all 200 of us share. The youngest of our family walked by all of it mouths open as if they were in a museum. It was good to see that they had some respect for their history. A photographer showed up and took countless photos. I also had my camera and Daniel was on the job catching all the right shots. Then, catching me off-guard again, during a photo session of couples, Daniel and I were invited to join them. For a moment, I thought Olive Boulevard was paved in gold; for I was in heaven.
Sunday morning, we all went to Antioch Baptist Church in the nearby historically rich Black Ville neighborhood for regular service. I hadn't been to my church in over 10 years. A new one had been built and I didn't even know my way around the place. It was beautiful. What is more beautiful is that I can honestly say that I never heard one of those nasty fire and brimstone Leviticus-based sermons about homosexuality in that church, and this day was not an exception. The preacher, a woman, delivered a powerful message about Job and how our "conditions are not our conclusions." I may write a piece about it later because it was meat for the soul, indeed. After service, we all went to the "fellowship hall" where, again, Daniel and I were treated like any other couple. During this gathering it was also tentatively decided that Daniel and I would host the next family reunion in Albuquerque within the next couple of years.
I never thought I'd see the day when my gay lover and I would be so warmly received at my family reunion and within the walls of my home church. I am also elated that Daniel not only had the chance to meet my family, but that he also had a chance to meet my "tribe"--the 200 or so people that made up the village that raised me--and that they enjoyed him as much as he enjoyed them. Sharing my life in St. Louis with him seemed to help him to understand me better. Being at a Black family reunion and attending a Black church for the first time also seemed to give him a better sense of my pride in being a Black man. This was the most memorable visit home ever. I shall never forget it.
Comments conceal
Blue
August 27 2007, 11:30AM
Kenneth,
Can I clone you? Again, you have a real knack for hitting the spot. My father's mother recently passed, and our family has been in disarray ever since. Bickering, arguing, finger-pointing ... I had an aunt accuse me of doing something I didn't. I had an ugly exchange with her daughter, who I've never liked, and I had to tell her to never speak to me again as long as she is drawing breathe. I'm sad that our family is falling apart, but like you've said in the past, family is more than blood. I am related to them by pure circumstance, nothing more, nothing less. I wish them no ill will and still love them, but I have come to realize there are some of them I want no parts of. I'm just grateful that I continue to have a strong network of friends who've always been there for me.
I am very happy your experience was positive with your family - you and your mate should feel safe amongst them. Again, another great piece. I was wondering when you'd be making another post. Kudos! :-)
Ramsueno
August 27 2007, 1:13PM
How wonderful to know that people can be more than just how we see them...and that we can be more than we ourselves think. Giving people a chance to learn, to change, to grow, is a hard thing to do sometimes...especially when the outcomes can go from mildly irritating to badly horrible. But you'll only know a their reactions when you take a chance and stand up, show yourself, be yourself and allow others to be themselves. Be "the bigger man" by giving people the benefit of the doubt. Its not easy when you think holding hands with a boyfriend is the same as kissing him over the dinner platter but the reactions you get can be wildly different. Not that I wouldn't kiss him AND hold his hand, but I understand the people, the family, around and respect them enough to let them have their opinion, good or bad, and not have it ruin an entire day or chase me away. You have as much right to be there as anyone else in the family. Love and blessings to you for taking a chance to grow...
Aaron
August 27 2007, 1:43PM
This is a reminder for me of how I and so many of my friends families accept warmly who we are first if only through assumptions of our sexuality and then accept our friends.
I went to 2 family reunions this year as I had not been to any in a long time and my family was so loving I felt kind of bad for staying away so long. My mom even recounted to me later a story my grandmother told about a friend who was being taken care of by her gay son and his lover while her two straight married sons barely called her. I was almost in tears at the thought of my 84 year old sharp tongued and sometimes very critical grandmother was uplifting the virtues of a gay couple.
I know some people have horrid experiences but I can say that my experiences are all positive with my and my friends families and most times they are extra kind as if saying dont you worry because we got you.
Regan DuCasse
August 27 2007, 1:45PM
Hey, Kenneth, you and Daniel are a handsome pair. I'm estranged from most of my family, in part from being abandoned. The rest are toxic and not healthy for me anyway.
Nothing I can do about that that hasn't already been done.
However, I know what situations can arise that are so delicate for gays and lesbians who have significant others in their lives. Orientation is less an abstract issue, but becomes more real and present as an important part of who you are when the object of your love is a living, breathing person.
This is why having Daniel there was brave, and what some more hostile types would consider 'in their face'.
It's easier to see gay people as singletons or disengaged from their romantic feelings. However, its' cruel when gay people are confronted with loving couples and expression of it on a constant basis.
LaFontaye
August 27 2007, 4:31PM
...Meanwhile, family and all the bs that comes with it, is overrated and especially family reunions. So sad and pathetic how the more simple ones amongst us always have the need to be validated by the acceptance of one's family or anyone else other than one's self.
Billy
August 27 2007, 6:33PM
Wow!!! I must say this was my favorite essay written by you. You seem to have come full circle with yourself, family and faith. I can say that since coming out last year to my mom-we are okay... we still have not had any conversations about it yet but we are okay. It definitely has not been the drama show that I assumed it would be. So, yes, family can surprise us. I am glad that you went home to the family reunion and that you chose to share it with us cuz it makes you feel good to be able to be around your peeps in freedom. I don't care what anybody says. I hope that one day I can do the same.
Troy
August 27 2007, 9:08PM
Excellent article Mr. W. And I wish you and your journey all the best and all the best to your partner too. It's rare to see and read about real love -true love but it is the best of what it's all about. This article is a saver for a book of articles and pictures of mine I will always turn to when the going gets a little rough. Thanks for writing this and I hope my reading of this was as Oprah says: NO coincidence.:)
M
August 27 2007, 10:48PM
We all deal with being accepted or validated by others on some level (career?). It's something we like to have but if it is not there, we and life go on.
Thank you for writing about this experience and sharing it with us. It's a great thing that you experienced.
Hamilton
August 28 2007, 2:35AM
Kenneth,
Enjoyable read, indeed. I envy your trip because I was unable leave the ABQ to attend my family reunion in Ohio due to work. Great to see you are sharing yourself with another special person and wish you both the best. I think one day I will have to take sometime out and visit your business. Take Care
Deryen
August 28 2007, 7:11AM
What a great story K, and my hats off to you, Daniel and your family.. I believe if we can open our heads and hearts, take that leap of faith by standing up for ourselves before our families, we'll get the acceptance and acknowledgement that we all crave for but are too afriad to get. 4 principle things matters to me in life: family, faith, friends and love. I may not have all of them active in my life at this moment, but I know I'll get there gradually.
I'm still wrestling with being accepted for who I am by my family, and at some point I give up trying. One thing I know...loving starts from within, and once I love myself wholly and unconditionally, all other will eventually fall in place.
God Bless you and your peeps brother...and keep on movin'
NikiiBabie
August 28 2007, 9:39AM
I love it! And y'all look so good together! But remember, it's the Law of Attraction: when you put out good vibes, you usually get them back.
I wish y'all all the best!
Steve
August 28 2007, 9:52AM
I think its sad to believe that "family and all the bs that comes with it, is overrated." How bitter. Kenneth, I, like most of the commenters here, I'm happy that you had such a rewarding experience at your family reunion.
Jaye
August 28 2007, 2:52PM
Great report Kenneth!! Though I was about to take a few points off when I saw the picture. At first I thought you guys were one of those "matching summer short set" couples. Which truly is a NORTH St. Louis thang! LOL!! (Sorry, no offense to all you couples that like to wear matching short outfits)
You guys make a handsome couple together. God bless you both!
Neil
August 28 2007, 9:05PM
Your writing is moving! Just as it always is... It's a wonderful feeling when growth has occurred in those you love so dear...
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