We Are Family

By Kenneth Winfrey, in viewpoints
Tuesday, July 17 2007, 9:18AM

Kenneth Winfrey Reports

One of the things most important to me as a gay/SGL man is to learn to recognize and make the best of opportunities to help LGBT people live their best life. Now I know that “living you best life” might seem like an arbitrary term to some, but for me, there are some clear benchmarks that can tell us whether or not we are making progress.

Today I want to explore how living your “best life” manifests in the company we keep. All too often many of us find ourselves trying to define what our “best life” is, only to realize that those around us are either unwilling or unable to support us in making our dreams come true.

As black LGBT/SGL people, we are often estranged because our families cannot accept our sexual orientation. As a result of that estrangement, we find ourselves in a myriad of extended family relationships. From the house balls to your good “girlfriend” with whom you can share your dirtiest secrets, there are those who may well have replaced the sibling or cousin that your straight counterparts have to talk to.

Recently, I was inspired to take a look at my extended family for two reasons. The first was a new job I took facilitating a gay men’s discussion group. The second was a man named Daniel. I’ll tell you about Daniel first because, although both of these changes in my life are exciting, he is the one that has me the most excited.

The Man

I met Daniel about five years ago. There was an instant attraction, but he was involved with someone else. Due to a professional relationship (albeit distant) we have, and because of my HIV status, I was slow to say anything when he became “available” last year. Plus I didn’t want to seem insensitive asking him out on a date right after the end of his relationship of 6 years had ended.

Then, in a turn of utter irony during a date I had with another man that looked like Wesley Snipes, I got a call from a friend (who Daniel and I share) telling me that he mentioned to her the possibility of asking me out. Daniel is Hispanic, and as much as I’d like to say that race doesn’t matter, it did at that moment, especially since young SGL black men who look like Wesley Snipes don’t come along often in a place like Albuquerque. The phone call from my friend was a major interruption to the fantasies I had about being in a relationship with a black man in a place where so many black men aren’t in relationships with other black men.

Daniel knows a lot about what I’ve been through with my health, and he has made it clear that his feelings for me aren’t changed by it. He and I have a plethora of other shared friends, acquaintances, and business associates. We have a good time together—we always have. He is as “out” as I am, and our lives, in general, seem to dovetail on many levels. To put it simply, he is exactly what I’ve been looking for.

On the other hand, ole’ “Wes” was handling me with a proverbial long-handle spoon, and I eventually came to find other problems. On more than one occasion he was saying things to other people that didn’t match with what he said to me, and there were blatant lies and inconsistencies that I simply could not overlook. Even though he was comfortable with his sexuality in private, he was certainly very much in the closet. To make matters worse, he was very active in a church that I knew was far from tolerant, let alone accepting. When I thought about what I might be in for with him, it started to become clear that all the brother had was his melanin. So, as hard as it was to turn a brother down, I did.

I called Daniel and told him that the beans had been spilled and I invited him out. That was a month ago. Daniel and I have been seeing each other romantically for about a month now, and I have to say, it’s been the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. You all know about the toads I kissed (or tried to kiss) over the past couple of years, and I am happy to say that this is the healthiest start to an intimate relationship I’ve ever had. It began with a real friendship, and that is so important. Even though it has only been a few weeks, I must say that I am finally experiencing some real happiness and peace of mind in romance. Hallelujah!

The Job

As the facilitator of a LGBT discussion group, it’s my job to find material for us to discuss. The dilemma I faced with these two guys led me to revisit a book I read a few years back called “Gay Spirit Warrior.” In one section called “Coming In [vs. Coming out]…Family of Choice and Tribe,” the author John R. Stowe talks about the extended family relationships we form as gay men. Even though he writes for gay men, I find his ideas remarkably and easily translated across gender and sexual orientation.

In it he challenges us to define how and what we base our relationships with extended family members. Biology determines what happens with those around us at birth, but when we get out, come out, and start making our own lives, where do we derive our basis for friendship? Is it race? Is it money? Is it geography? Is your neighbor a friend because he or she is your neighbor, or because you really have a solid friendship?

The group and I followed an exercise the author provides in the book. I’ve decided to share it with you today in the hopes that it might help you better define your extended family, or “tribe.” I hope that you find it as stimulating and interesting as we did.

1. List the other men-loving men in your life with whom you presently spend the most time. How would you characterize each of these relationships? Is it primarily sexual? Casual? Supportive” buddies” “girlfriends?” Recognizing that it may be a bit simplistic to sum up a whole relationship in one or two words, wherever you can, jot down the primary focus of each one beside the person’s name.
2. Put a star beside the names of the men who make you feel positive and good about yourself. Put a star beside those you’d feel comfortable turning to with personal fears, problems, or spiritual concerns.
3. Are there men on your list you don’t always feel good about, or with whom you sometimes do things that don’t feel quite right to you?
4. Are there gay men, either on your list or not, with whom you’d like to spend more time? Who?
5. Your family of choice is not limited to men-loving men alone. Sure, you have non-gay friends. In fact, a healthy support system includes many, diverse relationships. Repeat the above exercise, substituting the word, “people” for “men-loving men.” Add any names you didn’t cover the first time through.

Then, the author invites us to explore connections within the gay community.

1. List your main sources of information about gay issues—newspapers, TV, radio, movies, magazines, Internet, etc. How accurate do you think they are? Are they supportive? Is the information first-hand? Is it actually produced by gay people?
2. What is the primary focus of your interaction with other men-loving men? Are you part of any gay organizations? Where could you meet more men with interests like your own?
3. Where would you turn right now if you had a problem related to being gay? What resources in your community are you aware of? Do you have a support network you can turn to if you need it?

The author also explains:

“The point of these exercises is not to judge others, nor to try to change anyone else. It is to begin making choices that honor you. Honoring yourself means spending less time with people who bring you down. It means making fewer compromises, finding new activities, joining a new club, or taking an evening at home instead of partying yourself to exhaustion one more night. As you grow and change, so will your friendships. Some will drift away. Others that support your new way of being will come in. Listen to your own needs. You’ll create a health experience of Tribe that supports you each day.”

Why are the people in your life in your life today?

Kenneth Winfrey is a graphics and web designer, and writer living in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

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