New Year, New Love
By Kenneth Winfrey
Tuesday, January 23 2007, 11:51AM
Kenneth Winfrey Reports
Hello from New Mexico, the Land of Enchantment. It's been a couple of months since you all have heard from me. I’ve kept up as much as I can, but I’ve been very quiet. You may notice the sharp decline in posts here and on the message board. I’m OK. It’s just that I've been busy. I've also fallen in love--twice.
The first love affair ended too soon, if that's what you wanna call it. It was a professional one that began when a curious fellow approached me about a business deal that would help me further establish myself as a writer. The details aren’t important, but just let me say that I was truly in love with the idea. It sounded so great at the beginning, and then it turned sour to something that looked more like the one-sided relationships musicians have with their money-hungry managers. Basically, the way it would end up, I'd be doing all the work, only to hope to see a penny or two eventually.
The First Love
I guess I shouldn't feel so bad. After all, this means that my intelligence and intuition served me well. I reviewed the agreement with my lawyer and accountant, and we didn't feel right about it. My concerns were not addressed, and so I did what I needed to do and said, "No." The painful part came when I had to accept--again--that some people are just selfish creatures.
Lesson learned: When someone tries to sell you a "hat in a box"--no matter how much you "like" them as a "friend," and no matter how good they say that hat will look--keep your wits about you because "friends" don't put each other in the position to be exploited.
I will miss the friendship that he and I had begun to build during our planning and negotiations, and perhaps we'll be able to salvage that from the wreckage of the failed business deal. As John Legend sings so beautifully, heaven only knows.
The Second Love
The second love affair began in the middle of November when a tall, beautiful, and very engaging younger man (our birthdays are one day apart but I'm 4 years, 364 days older) approached me at a jazz concert. I had seen him a few times before, but this time was different. Perhaps it's because I haven't really been close to a man in nearly a year. There is no doubt that an undeniable drawback to living in New Mexico is the apparent shortage of available men--especially men of color.
During a passing greeting during the intermission, he shook my hand and looked me right in the eyes. His eyes looked like one of those marbles from Orion’s belt in the movie "Men In Black." I swear that I could see at least 100 galaxies in those chestnut brown, deeply-set eyes looking down to me through his Afro-Latin Middle Eastern features from upon a lean, graceful and muscular 6'2" frame.
As soon as my hand touched his, I felt something like static in the palm of my hand that had me stunned into stillness. The encounter must have lasted only a moment, but it felt like time simply stood still as we looked into each others eyes. This was moment of clear recognition.
Even though he was already planning to leave New Mexico, we started spending a great deal of time together and it became obvious to everyone else that we were "twin flames." We even declared as much that we were friends for life. In fact, there were some who felt a little uncomfortable around us as it seemed that a telepathic connection made it possible for us to communicate with one another without even talking. Everyone was at least curious because, after all, he claims that he is "straight," and everyone knows that I am gay.
Pleasing His Father
He knows exactly how I feel about him. We’ve talked extensively to the point that he has told me that his father was always telling him that if he did/didn't do this or that he was a "fag," or a "sissy" and that he would point out gay men to him as an example of what he shouldn't become. I already resent his father for abusing him with such blatant homophobia. It is also hard to deny the possibility that his father probably saw some measure of homosexuality in his son, and that he made it his mission to suppress it, thereby leaving this man (who appears to be my soul mate) in total denial of who he might really be.
My beloved has now moved very far away. He was determined to leave, although he was passionately invited to stay. He is going to move where he has never even been before. He has no real connection to the place he has gone. He just simply stated that he needed to leave. That might be a red flag, but for him, being a part of my closely-knit and trustworthy social circle, I have absolutely no reason to believe that he is in any trouble. So the only thing I can see that he has to flee is himself (and what I might represent). I think (and hope) that he’ll be back soon.
I had painted this picture of myself as this strong man who would never fall for anyone who can't speak the words that describe our relationship, and I much less tolerate the lack of courage to act on it. It was to be my excuse to fall out of love with this whole idea as well. Just when I thought I had a plan, he told me that he loved me, just before he left.
We haven’t said goodbye.
We've talked on the phone almost every day since then. Almost every day he says something to deny that he has any homosexual inclinations whatsoever...and just as often he also does or says something that makes me believe that he does. Although I've regained my balance after profoundly grieving his departure, I'm still struggling to manage the incredible anxiety of feeling that I've come so close to finding a partner with which to share my already magical life--only to feel the sting of the reality in a homophobic world where two men who obviously love each other may never actually experience the fullness of intimacy that is possible.
You see the fact that our birthdays are so close together actually helps to explain why I love him. I love him because, finally, after all these years, I am beginning to really love myself, and I see so much of myself in him—both the “good” and the “bad.” I feel that it is important to say this because so many of us seem to be in love with "love," and not yet ourselves.
He has also become a screen of projection (for what it's worth) through inspiration, some of my highest hopes and dreams. I actually began to visualize myself more fully living in my own potential, and could see where we could help realize that potential in each other—as friends or lovers. I didn't fall in love because I thought he could make my life easier. I fell in love because I knew that he might be able to provide the challenges that would help me find more of my true self, and that I might also do the same for him.
Loving Myself First
Although this relationship is clearly unique, I now realize that I have attracted other wonderful men on other occasions time and time again, but held them back through a wall of low self-esteem. I simply never reached out to them in an assertive way on a deeper or physical level because I haven’t felt worthy of physical intimacy. I also realized that I've attracted a lot of "semi-available" men because I have made myself semi-unavailable!
This new love has taught me selflessness and tolerance in ways that I never knew. In fact, I now feel that it is selfish to feel sorry for myself. Living as if I am unworthy of true and intimate love just because I have HIV is a burden that I must now shed.
Love can’t carry the weight of guilt—and I don’t have the luxury of skipping the disclosure of my HIV. I am admittedly anxious about the prospect of inviting this man in to what could be his first same-sex relationship with the added stigma of a contagious disease. And so I’ve chosen to leave the stigma to those who have me criminalized for not feeling as empowered. Whether he is my true mate or not, I need to be bold and confident enough to embrace love with integrity and authenticity, as this love has now suddenly embraced me. Please pray for me.
Comments conceal
lsaunders
January 23 2007, 12:15PM
Of course I will pray for you because I found your story so touching; however, I strongly suggest that you continue to pray for yourself and I know that you are doing just that. I think you know the answers to your dilemma. Enjoy the love and move forward even you have to be alone or eventually spend your life with someone else. You still deserve better.
Greg
January 23 2007, 12:24PM
Powerful post Kenneth, and you have touched on the thing that most humans, not just gay ones need to do, love themselves first and foremost, and the rest will follow.
I was in Albuquerque this past week, and would have loved meeting you for a cup of coffee and to chat about "life." Perhaps on my next trip there.
Be well and be strong, God is on your side, and as are the many of us in cyberspace sending good thoughts your way.
castiron
January 23 2007, 12:29PM
Wow! Thanks for sharing, Kenneth. Your ability to access and describe your internal psyche through written words is remarkable.
Doug Cooper-Spencer
January 23 2007, 1:43PM
Kenneth, thanks for the wonderful piece. In it you explored some of the facets of what is considered love, but in the end you focused on an even more important area of love: yourself. As for your HIV status, let it empower you. All of our states of being are portals of empowerment, no matter what they might be, because they are our experiences. Your status is but one of the zones of empowerment you possess; but it only becomes a source of empowerment when you realize it and use it as such. Sounds like you are realizing that. Oh yeah, and don't be so hard on yourself.
David Hero
January 23 2007, 3:02PM
Kenneth, what an interesting story you shared with us. I know you seek empowerment from this posting. Yet, I am dismayed at what I have read.
To keep it short and to the point, I am absolutely amazed at your knack for consistently making poor decisions. I simply cannot relate.
Fratman1906
January 23 2007, 3:06PM
Kenneth. I do in fact pray for you and this man often. We continue to go through very similar situations but I do sincerely believe that we continue to grow spriritually from these events in our lives. I hope that he will come to understand the tremendous opportunity that he has for self fulfillment by responding to the obvious connections that you two enjoy. I am forever in your debt for our own friendship and know that we too are friends for life. Namaste'
AJ
January 23 2007, 3:20PM
Well,what to say?I feel i have to say something.You've deffinately touched a nerve within me,(a positive one at that?.In the words of castiron, 'Your ability to access and describe your internal psyche through written words is remarkable'!Your clarity of self is enviable.I can recognise myself in some of your words.Keep fighting K.
manchild1
January 23 2007, 3:34PM
Just beautiful,strange but I needed to know love does
exist in the nonselfish way and your article provided me
with just that...thank you...and for these loves...
since I am going threw some similiar stuff all I can say
is that prayer does work,BIGTIME....keep on keeping on.
Inqueery
January 23 2007, 4:03PM
Kenneth,
I too am praying for you. Your post touched me in that vulnerable place. As you once encouraged in a post...love is to be celebrated not hidden. I love the way you continue to celebrate loving you!
freeyasef
January 23 2007, 6:28PM
Beautifully written. There was a sense of connection that we all need...
maxqthrust
January 23 2007, 9:44PM
man that is the situation. a rock and a hard place. I think the whole view of what it is to be a man that is of african american background,and also gay is not wide enough to the general public. The fact that some feel that they are less then and that an should not follow there heart leave potential mate or soul mate emotionally not there. So the best thing is to see thing as they are not as they should be or how they could be . u have to play the cards that life has dealt u. with that in hand be who u are, love your self, be ready to defend your self in your eyes, in the eyes of your intended love,and if need be physically in the street if attacked. and live life to the fullest every day. if your boo is not able to look in the mirror and know who he is and be proud of who he is and not have babies with woman just to prove his manhood to him self only time and devine revelation will make it right. Stay strong, live life, and be in it to win it. and i am out.
Jeffrey Lanier Jones
January 24 2007, 10:57AM
Kenneth, I was moved by your post. I saw similar strands within in my own life. I really felt the part about loving yourself because I have come to the point in my life that I am loving my own self. It is a hard thing to do because we allow other things or people to determine our wealth. However, if we take the time to spend time with ourselves, we can learn some many insights that can be life altering. Thus, I will keep you in my prayers and stay encouraged my brother.
TheRevKev
January 24 2007, 1:32PM
Kenneth
NAKED is such a vulnerable state and I honor you and pray for you as you exposed yourself to us. I am with you in thinking that he is running from himself and other perceptions of him. That pressure can be excruciating. Don't let go of him. A friend can save a life, even when love can't. The combination can be healing.
Be Blessed. PRAYER CHANGES THINGS!
Love, Rev. Kev
lightnessofbeing
January 24 2007, 6:56PM
It's strangely beautiful how the Universe works to grow us. How experiences unfold to bring us the lessons in love we need to evolve our notions of what love is.
Kenneth someone once mentioned to me that in order to love one must be comfortably vulnerable. You convey that in the sharing your recent experiences.
Kenneth know that as Iyanla Van Zant said "we are always in rehearsal for the next act." So my friend, get ready for the best is always coming, no matter how we may interpret it.
"Be and all else shall become." - FrankE
CPAPhD![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.keithboykin.com/blog2/nav-commenters.gif)
January 24 2007, 8:21PM
Kenneth:
Thanks for that post. For a while now, the Noah's Arc theme some tidbit "remember love" has been resonating in my mind and spirit. You've done that and we all need to. There is power in learning to listen to the voice (and love) within....The best is yet to come!
Langston
January 25 2007, 5:13PM
Beautifully written and inspiring. When you have not received the love you want of another, love yourself more. Many of of us have dealt with your situation. I encounter it almost daily (not bragging), "straight" brothas so drawn to me. Your pray has been answered just you wait and see.
Hamilton
January 25 2007, 11:43PM
Dear Kenneth,
Thanks!
I say thanks because when you can make someone feel the truth in what you are saying in written form is truly amazing. I was touched by your words because it made me think of my cousin, someone who was close and special to me. I thought about the people who was in his life and I have always wanted to know if he had found someone who may have touched his life as your friend has yours. I know we don't often think of life being short on a daily basis, but when you get down to it, it really is. Pain is pain and love is love intertwined with each other. I commend you for opening your heart to someone and if what you are feeling for this person does not span into something more, don't let that heart of yours miss out on what could be around the next corner. I'll pray for your health and hope you continue to love yourself more and more each and every day. I am still waiting on that Duck recipe. Your fellow Albuquerque message board friend. Peace
Hamilton
N4R
January 26 2007, 1:49PM
Ken I so didn't expect this post to take me here but I do applaud you. People are always impressed by disclosure but you gave everyone the business with this one. Thank you!!!
When it comes to loving yourself first, you are so right. All too often a number of brothers do get caught up in loving love. Many struggle with wanting someone to love and accept them that they don't realise the best way to concur that is by loving and accepting themselves. One they reac that point the need of others be no more. They can then share themselves and retain their power.
geobaby
January 26 2007, 4:00PM
I really appreciate your courage to share. Love must first originate from the inside in order for it to be manifested on the outside. How often we as PEOPLE, gay/straight and everything in between, get it so twisted. Remember anything of worth/value often requires us to struggle. For those who don't understand, keep living and loving!!!!
God bless!
Ron Lee
January 27 2007, 10:37AM
Hi,Kenneth I think it's important that we all self reflect on our lives and learn to steer our energies positively and in the right direction. I know that being hiv + is a real challenge for anyone especially those that are at the height of their sexuality ie..youth. That being said I think it's important that the hiv community meet and fellowship amongst one another as many are dealing with the same issues. The perimount step in conquering self-hatred is inately knowing that you want to experience your life and love with someone exactly like you. So the next time a brother of interest tell you he is hiv + your face should light up, take a deep breath let your imagination run wield and enjoy the ride. PEACE OUT.
Billy
February 4 2007, 8:50PM
Wow, did not my heart burn reading this eloquent piece that you wrote. Your truth just so happens to be mine as well. I am still struggling with self-love and have been meeting wonderful guys that I can't seem to let in because I feel as if I am not worthy of love. I will continue to pray for you and yes in accepting and loving yourself it may mean that you have to move on...... but you won't be losing anything.
edvince
April 24 2007, 2:27AM
Kenneth,
You were always worthy of physical intimacy and any other intimacies your life experience has to offer because you exist.I've learn how to stare homophobia and all phobias in the face and treat them like the devil, who in God's eyes has NO POWER over you. In this way my self-esteem never wavers. I too am HIV positive and fell in love, left America and now we've been together for 10 years, married the last four! Don't let the fear of phobia smother who you really are!
Ed in Amsterdam NL
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