When Black Men Come Together, Gay and Straight

By Keith Boykin, in sexuality
Thursday, August 3 2006, 5:15PM

I have long believed that straight black people will become much less homophobic once they get to know black gays and lesbians who are open about their identity. I found surprising confirmation for this theory from last night's episode of the MTV show, "Why Can't I Be You?" That's the show where a young person gets to follow around someone he or she admires to learn what makes the other person tick. Last night we got to meet Michael and Kyle.

Michael is a young black gay man interested in HIV work. Kyle is a young black straight man who Michael admires. They met at a dinner table at a recent event and Michael decided he wanted to have more confidence like Kyle. Kyle doesn't know anything about Michael until MTV puts the two of them together for 48 hours. What results is an amazing study of black manhood and a model for a positive way in which black gay men and black straight men can learn more about one another.

48 Hours With Michael and Kyle

The story starts when Michael (in the chocolate shirt) and Kyle (in the black suit with red tie) are introduced by MTV. Kyle is interrupted during his lunch with two friends/business colleagues and he's given a proposal he can't refuse. All he has to do is let Michael hang out with him for 48 hours and he gets $1000.

So far so good. But after Kyle agrees, that's when he learns that Michael is gay and wants straight Kyle to help him meet guys. "Are you serious?" Kyle asks. "I'm dead serious," Michael replies. Michael doesn't seem to be lacking in confidence, to be honest. If more black gay men could be open about who they are the way Michael is, I'm sure we wouldn't have as many problems with homophobia as we do today.

At Basketball Practice

So the day begins...The first stop, basketball practice. Kyle coaches a youth basketball team. Michael doesn't play any sports, so we get to watch Michael toss (and miss) a few free throws and then watch him play ball with the adorable little kids, even as one of the kids steals the ball from him as he's dribbling down the court. It's a little stereotypical but it's cute and funny.

After basketball, Kyle heads home, where Michael meets Kyle's two roommates, who seem to have no problem with Michael's presence (or the presence of the MTV camera crew, for that matter). Then, when the roommates go to sleep, Kyle pops the question to Michael. "So how does it feel to be gay?" Kyle asks. The perpetually cheerful Michael smiles and explains beautifully and intelligently. Kyle then acknowledges that he expects to learn just as much from Michael as Michael expects to learn from him.

Swimming From Pool to Pool

The next morning it's off to the swimming pool, where Kyle teaches Michael (in the red trunks) to swim. It's another beautiful moment in a brief relationship between two black men with different sexual orientations. If Kyle had any reservations about Michael, they don't show up on camera, even as the two men dry off from the pool and head to the locker room to change.

Then the real change happens. Straight Kyle takes gay Michael to a gay bar that neither of them has ever been to before. (Sounds like the producers came up with that idea.) Kyle relaxes at the bar and encourages Michael to go and meet men. Michael approaches a couple of men and gets a couple of rejections before finally finding a guy who will talk to him. Michael invites the guy to an event the next day, not certain if the guy will really show up.

Then it's the big climax. Michael and Kyle go to the event the following day, and Michael is elated to see the guy from the gay bar has shown up too. Everything worked out, Kyle is a little bit richer and both men genuinely seemed to enjoy the experience.

If only more black gay and bisexual men had Michael's courage and more straight black men had Kyle's understanding, the world would be a much better place.

[Note: Click on any photo on the slide show to read the caption.]

Comments (28) reveal

Comments conceal

Alexandria
August 3 2006, 7:08PM

i think the problem is that straight men think gay men will try to come on to them. and also them thinking gay men arent real men b/c of their sexual preference. but anyway, this sounds like a really good show. i hope to check it out. btw, i really enjoy your site.

alicia
August 3 2006, 7:46PM

good news keith!

but i remain unconvinced

ie

how will gaybashing church members ever get to know
gays who they prevent from even attending their churches?

i do not believe that black people will ever be collectively cured of their rabid gaybshing

it is deeply rooted in virulent misogyny and religious ignorance which both plague us ancient rules in spite of these exceptions...

peace
ab

Mark Norris
August 3 2006, 9:19PM

While I agree with you on most of what you said, I still believe there is still hope.

Mark

jared
August 3 2006, 9:35PM

i'm going to have to turn on my tv,seems like i'm missing some pretty good shows. the fear that some straight guys have is unfounded, most gay men don't want them, just to be treated fairly. when they figure out that being you get the same old trash thrown at you by society at large, they will then realize, we are all in it togather, and in the eyes of the world, one isn't better than the other.

algie
August 3 2006, 9:59PM

^^^exactly

Shabaka[TypeKey Profile Page]
August 3 2006, 10:15PM

Yeah there's this spirit in North America of us versus them that does not promote inclusiveness of all people.
I was amazed when I made a trip back home and saw how guys dance with each other and even those who are gay dare to actually kiss in clubs and stuff. But then again that's because there are no sexual labels back there. I guess if gay people had to come out and be visible, it'd be a different story. I like that idea though. MTV is doing a good job!

Ty A. Allison
August 3 2006, 10:42PM

I was so going to recap this show. I've been beaten once again. Good job.

Jeff Hobbs
August 3 2006, 11:41PM

Oh I have to see this. I hope it repeats.

raskl
August 4 2006, 3:32AM

I watched a little bit of that show. I have to admit the gay man in me wanted them to kiss but you know you cant have everything.

I thought it was very civilized something rare these days. You know personally I think straight guys should let me practice my massage techniques on them.

Bernie[TypeKey Profile Page]
August 4 2006, 7:14PM

I think in order for straight men to feel comfortable in the company of gay men they have to have first done their internalized homophobia work. In other words, they must already be predisposed to being open-minded individuals. It's not gonna just happen through a meeting.

Years ago, I enjoyed a sort of mentor-mentee relationship with a straight brotha, but he was already radically progressive on most social issues. My being gay was not an issue because we were philosophically in synch on so many other things.

cmoney
August 4 2006, 8:03PM

I wish that there were more relationships between straight men and gay men. I see many gay men with straight women, but very few platonic relationships among gay and straight men. Hopefully this show will make a difference. I hope that these guys can at least stay friends--they would make a cute couple even if they were just buddies!

Regan DuCasse
August 5 2006, 1:41PM

Sometimes these relationships begin at home!
Between gay sons and their straight fathers and brothers.

Constantly society breaks these initial bonds, further isolates gay kids and makes straight kids think that gay life is worthless and expendable.
Honesty, natural compatability is discouraged and so what's left is distrust and misunderstanding.
It's not often that GAY people get to speak for themselves.
Anti gay or ignorant STRAIGHT people virtually contol everything that's said about gay people. Most of which is lies, misinformation and myth.

I will never understand or forgive why straight people feel gay people owe them something or are superior to gay people ONLY because they aren't gay.

Black
August 5 2006, 3:09PM

Read Raskl's comment and you'll know why straight guys are often apprehensive about entering friendships with gay men, its not always a sign of homophobia.

DDC
August 5 2006, 3:57PM

I agree with Black. Drama-hungry queens and lesbian studs drooling over straights and openly declaring that they want to turn them out re-enforces the worst stereotype about sgl people. Very innocent gay people have been beaten or killed because some paranoid straight jumps on them if glanced at. Remember the infamous Busta Rhymes incident ? I believe the biggest step in closing the gap is to convince people (men paticularly) that gay/bisexual people only want other self-identified gay/bis. But is that really true, though??? Hmmmmm...

Regan, it's not only straight people villifying gays. Sorry to say that many of these media execs, church ministers etc are closted gays. Don't take my word for it, though. It gets to a point in everyone's life where one should become mature and wise enough to recognize his own self-hatred and decide not to help instill it into the next generation.

raskl
August 6 2006, 4:25PM

@Black

And... so what? What is this great value in straight friendship? Trust me black I have no problem getting "straight" friends. But apparently its an issue with some gay men. Stop giving straight men so much credit for sticking their dicks in pussy. Get some good gay friends and reach for the stars.

Steve
August 7 2006, 2:16AM

I agree with raskl. How the hell are you going to know they are straight unless you "hit on" them? I mean, if you say, "Well, are you gay too?" that is exactly how your question is perceived.

Nope. We won't find equality in this country until a straight man can hear that and say "No, man. I'm not gay. But I'm cool. And I think that dude over there digs you."

And the only way to get there, is to be OUT and VISIBLE.

And if your church don't like you, DON'T GO. Don't support them in any way, and do whatever you can to undermine anything they do that makes them attractive within your community: No matter how good some of their work, if they preach hate to gays, their entire work is tainted. Make sure everyone gets that message, and with time their congregation will dwindle.

It is not enough to be gay positive. You must also be gay-bashing negative.

Simple as that.

Black
August 7 2006, 2:16PM

I totally disagree with both raskl and Steve. First of all, Steve, "how are you going to know if they're straight unless you hit on them?" Are you serious? You have no other way in the terms of a conversation to discover if someone is heterosexual? So your only means is to go around hitting on them? I would suggest that a straight man would much rather be asked than having a gay man hit on him TRUST ME ON THAT! Worry about yourself, you be out and visible, because a straight man is doing the exact same thing.

And to raskl, i mean the entire point of the article is a straight-gay relationship. Straight people have no problem being friends with other straight people. Gay people have no problems being friends with other gay people, there's no road to cross there, thats been done already. What you're suggesting is 'i'll stay over here if you stay over there, but if you come over here, i'm assuming you want sex'.

DDC
August 7 2006, 2:48PM

Steve, boo, what in the world are you taking about??? You responded as if the topic is about men of unknown sexual orientation. Uh, dude, the topic is about men who we already know identify as heterosexual, ie., Kyle, described as hetero in this article. Tsk tsk tsk.

Reading is fundamental, not for the mental, bro! Read carefully before you decide to jump into a conversation. Oh yeah, and raskl, very eloquent response (yeah, right).

Derrick from Philly
August 7 2006, 3:39PM

I don't want to be friends with straight guys. Just when you start to trust them, they get drunk and start to grabbin' on your booty. It's such a nuisance. You have to tell them,"Get off of me--we aint in jail."

Shabaka[TypeKey Profile Page]
August 7 2006, 5:42PM

Naw...I think we put too much pressure on ourselves when I comes to "connecting" with straight guys. We're worried that the first thing on their mind is that we want to hit it. And rightly so! The media and the world around us only portray us as sex hungry predators. Whereas in reality they are basically just like you and me. Bonding species. If we go in with no issues whatsoever, trust me, it'll show and people will open up. Having a negative a-priori about anything is setting yourself up for failure before it even launches. Don't y'all think?

N4R
August 8 2006, 9:49AM

I love the recap you just offered. I must see this episode.

raskl
August 9 2006, 1:42AM

@black

" What you're suggesting is 'i'll stay over here if you stay over there, but if you come over here, i'm assuming you want sex'."

You suggested that not me.

Black
August 9 2006, 12:08PM

"You know personally I think straight guys should let me practice my massage techniques on them."

"Stop giving straight men credit for sticking their dicks in pussy. Get some good gay friends and reach for the stars"

you didn't?

raskl
August 9 2006, 1:24PM

Like I said you suggested that.

Black
August 9 2006, 2:36PM

raskl you said you didnt see any great value in straight friendship (in response to an article on straight & gay friendship). you said get some good gay friends.
couple of days before you said you think straight men should let you practice massage on them.

now hmmmmmmm!

I'm not a brain surgeon or the sharpest knife in the drawer but to me that sounds like someone who is cool with some other kind of person keeping their distance with the exception of intimate encounters

i mean you can keep trying to hold on to one little tidbit if you want to, but the fact is either you spoke wrong, or you're in the wrong, but thats on you

peace

raskl
August 10 2006, 5:41AM

Well I still think your putting words in my mouth. I never made the comments you said I did. I personally have not had much use for straight men outside of seduction and low sex. That said I definitley dont think that is for everyone so if you thought that was what I meant it wasn't. I think it is nice for other people to have these mentorship relationships that cross sexual lines. Im kinda closeted so I havent really experienced not being able to get to know a "straight" guy. My first comment related to Keiths post I thought the show was civilized. I am a grouchy gay I expect straight men to come to me so I kinda couldnt relate to the young man going to the straight guy for advice. Now I am going to take my grouchy azz to bed and dream about my next "straight" guy seduction.

joe
August 11 2006, 10:28PM

You faggots need to stop thinking that this sick ass shit is normal. You are useless. Be a man raise a family. This is not African. This is some European nonsense. God, Allah the Creator, Budda, Osun, Heru or who ever did not mean for this insanity to be normal. Fight it.

raskl
August 12 2006, 12:45PM

@joe
Actually your response is what is European. Stop being a slave and move on. Actually the creator clearly put us here for a resaon. Thats the why you "fight it". Stop fighting it and attend your local black gay pride.


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