A Letter To Mom
By Keith Boykin, in sexuality
Thursday, May 11 2006, 11:00AM
I get a lot of email. Even with an assistant, I rarely have time to write lengthy responses to most of the messages I get. But every now and then I come across a message that is so powerful that I want to share it with everyone else. That was the case recently when I received an email from a young man named Darian. He came out at 16. He is now 26. Darian's mom sent him information about Donnie McClurkin and his life story of allegedly overcoming his homosexuality. I've complained before about Donnie McClurkin's message, but Darian's words bring it all home.
When Darian got the mail from his mom, he decided not to be silent. Instead of taking the abuse, he wrote a letter in response. It's an inspiring story of self-love that I encourage you to read as well.
Darian's Letter
Dear Mom,
I am writing this letter in response to the life story of Donnie McClurkin which I received in the mail today. First I would like to thank you for sending it to me because I am aware your reason for doing so is rooted in a place of concern and love. Upon receiving this letter I must tell you I was hesitant to open it due to the nature of the letters I’ve received from you in the past and the emotional stress it’s caused me after reading them. However, this time I chose to react calmly and with an open mind.
Donnie’s experience as a child was tragic and I’m sure we both agree that no child should ever be subjected to abuse. I’ve read his story and listened to many educated commentaries on his “struggle," and his story and mine are like night and day, but unlike in the past I will not attempt to enlighten, educate, or convince you to accept me fully as a black same gender-loving person.
Over the past few years I’ve grown enough to understand that you cannot change the thoughts of people who have been trained and conditioned to believe that homosexuals are deplorable, demonic, sexual predators, even if the person is your son and none of those characteristics apply to him. It would be asking too much of (you) people to re-examine years of learned homophobia and intolerance from the pulpit down to the very people who should understand what it feels like to be oppressed and hated for just being who they are, the black community. It pains me to know that after taking the life altering step to share with you my truth 10 years ago, we have not come to a place not only as mother and son but as adults to discuss these issues face to face.
I made the choice not to mention everything that happens in my full life, and I refer to it as such because my family has not allowed themselves to know me as a whole person, and I take responsibility for contributing to the notion that “it’s just a phase” and “it can be changed” because I never allowed you to see the real me because I knew you would be uncomfortable. I’ve loved, been loved, betrayed, heartbroken, and so happy I couldn’t tell my left from my right ! Meanwhile having to share these life experiences with friends and not with the group of people who matter to me the most, my family.
I will no longer debate whether or not my sexual orientation is a choice, or environmental, or whether it will keep me from inheriting the kingdom of God. At the end of these arguments both parties walk away still holding fast to the beliefs they originally brought to the table. I will for the record tell you that unlike Donnie I was not subjected to abuse or a product of a homosexual environment during my youth, I just simply am. The only choice I ever made was to live a life free from deception and lies, in my opinion that takes more courage than it does to pose for a lifetime as someone you’re not. Can you imagine going through life everyday denying important aspects of your life that you know to be true?
I thank God everyday because even during rough times I know I’m blessed. It’s during those times that I grow spiritually and my faith is increased and I learn to say “thank you anyhow”! “THANK YOU”when the world seems to be against me and they use your word to justify their bigotry and discrimination, “THANK YOU” when my family doesn’t understand me and allow stereotypes and homophobia to define me and harm me in attempt to mold me into someone I will never be, “THANK YOU” for showing me that I am still your child created in your image in spite of what man might say, “THANK YOU” for showing me I am worthy of your love and the love of a partner who will be just for me, “THANK YOU” for making me strong in mind, body, and spirit but sensitive to the views of others, “THANK YOU, THANK YOU! I really can’t be consumed with living an unauthentic life, this is the only one I have and I choose to live it in truth.
Love, Darian
Comments conceal
Bernie![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.keithboykin.com/blog2/nav-commenters.gif)
May 11 2006, 11:55AM
A brilliant letter.
Some variation of it needs to be sent to a whole lot of parents...unfortunately.
Barbados "Ryan"
May 11 2006, 12:00PM
Oh Man!..Now that was quite a letter, but I like the authenticity about it. I wish this letter could form the template for others who want to tell it like it is. My heart goes out to Darian for being true to himself as opposed to living lies of deceit like so many others.I sincerely hope this letter can touch others like it has touched me.
Love from Barbados
D
May 11 2006, 12:01PM
Great letter. I need to send it to my parents.
Rahshek
May 11 2006, 12:18PM
Wow what powerful words, and a show od courage to enlighten a mother on the importance of staying true to self. Being black and same gender loving is certainly a learning process for those around us. We has stron black men, need to feel empowerd enough to continue to education the African American community and community at large about not just a "lifestyle" but an aspect of life. Darian and Keith thank you for sharing such a personal story, I hope that someone who is struggling with a similar situation comes across this post, and may it give them the sense of empowerment they may need to standup to a world would rather them live a lie. Sometimes that truth hurts, but the truth also will set you free.
Donique
May 11 2006, 12:22PM
Rock on, Darian! Thanks Keith for printing it. I was sent an e-mail too with Donnie's testimony as a way of showing that I could change as well.
Thomas
May 11 2006, 12:44PM
THANK YOU! My God...oh how you consistently remind us that WE ARE LOVED, no matter what man may say. I praise you Lord, for you are not like man, you are forgiving, and all the while UNDERSTANDING. You have given us what we need for sustenance, oh Lord, and we worship you. Christ keep your hand upon us and direct our paths. For WE ARE FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE! OH yes!
Amen.
I had to offer a prayer as a response to that letter. God is WORKING...He is AWESOME!
Patrick
May 11 2006, 12:46PM
My brother, Thank you for keeping it real and on point. I hope this letter will help another get okay with him or herself. With respect & love. Way to go!!
Patrick
Atlanta, GA
Jason
May 11 2006, 1:21PM
I too received Donnie's work of self-loathing from my mother, shortly after coming out to my parents, and I am proud to say that I recycled it without even cracking the damn thing open. Thank you for having the courage to write this letter.
Travis
May 11 2006, 1:24PM
Darian I wont you to know that this is an uplifting letter that u have written and there are alot of people in the world who feels the same way you do but can't speak out as well as you have done. I wish some how that this could get to more people who can't get access to this letter and get some kind of inspiration from this and know that life is hard but there will come a time when there will be relief if you just keep god first and have a strong being. I just want to say to you thanks for the strength. Love your best friend Travis D aka Trapp.
nakia demetrius
May 11 2006, 1:28PM
WOW!!!!!!..I AM SPEECHLESS...........TALK ABOUT THE GREATES LOVE OF ALL.............IF YOU LISTEN STRONG ENUFF YOU'LL FIND THE ANSWER IN THE VOICE OF THE HEART!!!!!!!
alicia banks
May 11 2006, 1:34PM
keith:
thanks for sharing!!!
___
darian:
god bless u baby bro!
u r a better man than donnie will ever be...
best wishes always
see more on that demonic donnie m at my site
eloquent fury
www.geocities.com/ambwww
peace
ab
Al Williams
May 11 2006, 2:14PM
Much love to you Darian for your courage to come out at 16, and for your maturity at 26 to be able to articulate a message for all families who sit in judgement. My partner Nigel and I are blessed to have immediate families who have accepted us and love us unconditionally. I believe, as was earlier mentioned, that your letter should serve as a template for other GLBT members struggling with families.
Al Williams
Upper Marlboro, MD
James Brown
May 11 2006, 2:38PM
Thanks Keith and Darian for sharing such a discriptive form of discourse with the nation regarding the relationship between you and your mother. I pray that love will bring the two of you together in a better
understanding of human relation.
Love and Peace,
"JB"
L. Rae
May 13 2006, 10:55AM
Thank you Keith and THANK YOU Dorian for sharing. It took me many years to accept the man in the mirror because of the deeply done damage (3d's) of family and the black church. I too was given Donnie's testiphony (uh huh) as a road map of escape. I still remain unable to escape WHO I WAS CREATED TO BE! I see a serious cut and paste thing going on here because you said so well what many of us simply cannot find the words and diplomacy to say. That letter can be from any number of us to any number of our mothers. What I love most is you said it minus anger. Thank you! Miracles and Blessings to you both!!!
AJ
May 13 2006, 12:33PM
Wow!
Well,what can i say? Just bloody marvellous! THANK YOU Darian.
DAVID A. TOBIN
May 13 2006, 9:14PM
THIS IS SUCHA A GREAT LETTER!
WHAT I LOVE ABOUT IT IS THIS IS THE NEW FEELING I GET IN THE BLACK GAYS OF NOW! WE ARE NOT COMING OUT WE ARE LIVING OUT! I AM STARTING A NEW RELATIONSHIP AND IT IS REALLY , AT THE START. BUT ONE THING I KNOW I CAN HAVE NO REAL LOVE UNLESS WHAT LOVE I CAN SHARE WITH HIM IS A LOVE THAT IS OPEN FOR THE WORLD TO SEE! GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME, AND HE IS MOVING IN OUR BLACK GAY WORLD IN A MIGHTY WAY. THANKS DARIAN
WE THANK GOD FOR YOU!
Michael-Vincent Crea
May 15 2006, 12:48AM
Kudos to KB for continuing to bring OUT the best of Body,
Mind, Heart & Soul in 'sights,' herein, especially being
hallowed by a young Gay messenger named Damian with much
wisdom beyond his years...and please God, delivering more
to humanity for generations to come!
"A Letter to Mom" by Damian brought me to tears: so bold, so brilliant and oh, so beautiful! Damian: Molto bene! Molto bella! Che bellezzi!!! Gaio Angelo Custode!!! A Great blessing! A Great sweetheart! How wonderful!!! A Gay Guardian Angel!!!
Damian, keep growing in the Spirit in ALL your divine gifts of being Gay with the courage of your convictions and the power of LOVE in JUST BEING YOU! Grazie! Ciao!
With peace, prayers & LOVE,
Steadfast in the Spirit,
Michael-Vincent Crea
Founder & Pastor
One World Life Systems
Liquid Fonts
May 15 2006, 3:50PM
Thanks for adding this on Keith it was just in time for Mama's Day
Excellent read Darian !!!
Roger
May 16 2006, 3:39PM
Wonderful Letter, Darian. We should all "thank you" for sharing it with us.
Michael-Vincent Crea
May 17 2006, 12:46AM
My apologies for misspelling your name through my misty
eyes in my previous post: To err is Human; to forgive is
Divine; for a down-to-earth "Letter to Mom," a true clarion call; for BEING a true heaven-sent, angel-man,
brother-son, DARIAN, you are beloved and thanked by ALL!
With peace, prayers & LOVE,
Steadfast in the Spirit,
Michael-Vincent
n
May 17 2006, 1:39AM
man i can't even put into words how powerful this young man's letter is.
blacklatina
May 17 2006, 4:47AM
Thanks Keith for posting this....I really wish that more of our men would have the courage and strength to 'speak their minds' whether in a letter or in person but more importantly, I wish a lot of parents would practice what they preach which is to operate in love 24/7. Bravo Damian for opening your mom's letter and being brave enough to respond. So many have cracked under family pressures that it's heartbreaking. THANK YOU :-)
blacklatina
May 17 2006, 4:56AM
I really hope that I don't get backlash for my comments about Donnie McClurkin....I recently saw his biographical dvd and loved it. I have always been a fan but with all the recent comments (within the last year) of him being a hypocrite, I was a little torn and disappointed by all the negativity. I have never ever heard him publicly 'put down' the lifestyle however, he openly talks about his personal pain and struggles. I could not imagine being raped at 8 years old and then at 16 by my uncle and his son....how sick is that? I believe that he was confused and has had major struggles with the lifestyle but at least he can admit to it instead of lying to himself and others. Bottom line is that I am still a fan REGARDLESS; his voice is annointed and I wish him many many blessings. His personal struggles are just that....HIS not mine. I just pray that he is happy :-)
Jamal
May 17 2006, 2:23PM
Thank you, Darian. You have given me the courage to start living my life free of the influences of those who try to mould me into something I'm not. I have been living for quite some time now under such influences, especially after my cousin found out about me. He has been trying to make me into another him- trying to get me to act like him, etc- in an attempt to make me more 'straight'... and I hated and resented every moment of it. Now, thanks to your inspirational letter, I finally have the courage to break free of the oppression I have felt over the years but particularly, that of the last few months. Again, thank you.
John
May 17 2006, 2:36PM
Powerful. Thanks Darian (and Keith).
Darein
May 19 2006, 12:05PM
Darian,
I am writing to say we have something in common with our name. My name is pronounced the way yours is spelled. Most importantly though, I would like to thank you for your letter. It will inspire many who are oppressed and depressed becasue of their choice of lifestyle. No we should not be put down and become the black sheep of our families. I, like you, was not rape or abused. I came from a loving family. I also, thank God, didn't go through any gripe from my family. I want to say though, even though people have to live for themselves, it is a fact in the Bible that living this lifestyle is an abomination to God. You or others reading this do not have to accept it, but if we believe in the word of our Lord, we will not argue with people when they tell us it is wrong because it is. Leviticus 20:13 tells us so. Darian or anyone who is reading this, I am not by any means telling you to change, but let's be intelligent about it when it concerns God. I working on my change and it is hard and I have not arrived yet. I been living this lifestyle for 30 years. Once again, thank you for coming because there are some who are going through with family and friends and this is can inspire them to remember that they are not alone.
Thanks
Darein
Jackson, MS
Derek
July 15 2006, 12:44PM
This is such a positive and love-filled and truthful letter from Darian to his mom - let's get away from the issue that his mom doesn't support him - what made me filled with hope and love and L-I-F-E is that Darian chose to LOVE his mom and speak the TRUTH when he was faced, yet again, and after 10 years, with another negative message from his mom...
Man! Darian, you deserve respect... My admiration for you is really way up there... In a few seconds of reading, you've given me so much inspiration. T-H-A-N-K Y-O-U for being the person you are and for sharing this with us all...
Peace, love, hope and faith...
ALWAYS
Derek
Cassius
July 16 2006, 7:53AM
Thank YOU Darian that has got to be the most heart felt letter I've ever read. I'm so proud of you for having the strength, so proud of you for the positive effect this letter will have on others, so proud of you for being a TRUE man, we are all so proud of you. I know many Black men who don't have the courage to be honest with their loved ones, it's not their fault of course, society and the Black community in particular has not been kind to same gender loving people over the years, I wish them well for I know it's a struggle. My ex decided to call it a day on our relationship because he struggled with loving a man, I don't hate him for it or blame him for the hurt it caused me because I loved him so deeply, I hope one day his struggle will end, no more living a double life, I hope he can be as free as you and live a life more true to himself. You have maybe just made that struggle a little more bearable, I am so proud of you and I don't even know you.
THANK YOU!
algie
July 19 2006, 3:16PM
thats what i'm talkin about right there. god is so good. i am so proud of you bruh.god made you in his image so you could never be something awful and nasty to him.god bless you.now lets keep representing the beautifulness god put in us not just as a gay black man but as loving human being