My Fire Shall Bring Life
By Jonathan Perry, in spirituality·viewpoints
Wednesday, December 1 2004, 1:32AM
I am not a religious person, but as I sat last night in contemplation of the theme of my first World AIDS Day event, "This Fire Shall Bring Life," I recalled a line from a song we used to sing in church: "I shall come forth as pure gold." My next thought was, "He's not ready; he's not on his knees yet."
Seeing me from "up there," I see everything in my life that is right and everything in my life I yearn to be right. Everything that is ugly about me shines before me bright like the sun and there is no escaping my fire. I have to go through to get where I want to be.
I must be vexed, I must be hurt, and I must be alone -- for now! It is all part of my process to remove the fortified layers of bitterness, guilt, hate and selfishness -- you know the live elephant on your tables that you see but will not talk about. It is those hindrances created by the world to protect us from itself that I no longer have a desire to maintain. It is the rape, and the rejection; it is the betrayal and the denial -- all of the stuff that has gotten me here, RIGHT NOW! It is my mother and my father and the church and my confusion and my misconceptions about love and life that have built around me the most beautiful and beguiling defense the world has ever seen. Hidden, however, behind this bulwark lies a little boy living with HIV speculating and hypothesizing about how it ever got this way. Where did I go wrong?
Which experience was it? Was it my mother's husband raping me at 14, or was it my mother saying it was my fault? Could it be that more than 10 years later she still calls him her husband? Maybe it's all of that, maybe it's none of that. Laying in wait, for what I am not quite sure. I consider all the fucked up stuff I have done to the people who love me. Yes I have issues. I have a lot of issues, but I see them all for what they really are -- mine. Some are my heritage, some are my creations, but they are all mine.
"He's not ready; he's not on his knees yet." I see the involuntary nodding of my grandmother's head as she smiles to me a reassuring smile that only grannys can smile. She is my heart, my love, my cheerleader, my hero and my biggest fan. With tears streaming down my broken face I have to pull over. "Damn, one day she's going to die," I tell myself. She may out live me. Two years later, and the day after the show, "Jonathan, I love you, and I'm proud of you, we are going to get through this."
I have been living with HIV for just over four years. HIV is my fire. It is the purification of choice, because I made the choice to live through it and not die from it. I know that when I have been tried I will come through as pure gold, because I let my fire bring life.
Jonathan Perry is a 27-year-old student at Johnson C. Smith University in Charlotte, North Carolina. He will be graduating in December with a B.A. degree in philosophy and psychology.
Comments conceal
DB
December 1 2004, 9:43AM
Jonathan:
How inspirational! It's funny how parallel all of our lives are. If it were not for the courage and honesty of persons like yourself, maybe we'd never know that. You are strong and motivated. Those characteristics will help you to persevere. It is my hope that others will be inspired by your "fire!" Best wishes!
Keith:
As usual, another great posting. Best wishes to you and yours as well!
saga
December 1 2004, 10:20AM
Never, ever stop shining. Stay blessed.
Troy
December 1 2004, 3:51PM
You can't get HIV by being just a friend,
You can't get HIV by merely talking about it,
You can't get HIV or AIDS by being the prettiest or the most muscled
or even the best dressed in the crowd,
You can't get it keeping your thoughts and feelings bottled up on the
inside,
You can't get it ignoring the numbers with it while still some live
and others may die,
HIV and AIDS a subject we both must deal with it's about ALL of us
YOU and I.
TODAY.
Today I made a difference, learned more about me and loving me and
made myself get my health checked, today I spoke with a friend and
mentioned it to them, today I'm hoping won't be no more damn Worlds
AIDS Day no more mistakes made no more sadness, death, distruction
never, ever again!
Brian
December 1 2004, 5:07PM
Hey Jonathan, i am happy that you are enjoying life. True happiness comes from within. I was raped twice and sexually abused at a tender age, and my mother told me that it must have been my fault why it happened twice. Keep doing your good work, and love yourself first. I wish most men could come out and just say those words, i am a victim or i was sexually abused. Sexual abuse don't make you gay.
jp
December 3 2004, 2:56PM
"Where did I go wrong?" You didn't go wrong Jonathan, you were just getting right. You don't have to worry about being 'tried' or coming through. You are here my friend. You have already arrived. You got here and came through when you took responsibility for your own issues, when you owned them, "they are all mine" you wrote. That is the point where transformation occurred.
Ironic isn't it? By owning them you are free of them. Yes they are still there but you own them and they do not own you and that's a distinction with a very big difference. The "issues" are just content (stuff in our lives) but, as you demonstrate, it is not the content of our lives but the context (the cup we hold that content in) that determines our lives. Without changing the stuff (the content) transformation occurs when we just change how we hold it (a shift in context).
After all, that is how metamorphosis occurs. The butterfly that emerges from the cocoon is made of the exact same stuff as the caterpillar originally spun in – nothing is added and nothing is taken away, the butterfly is made of the exact same stuff and all that has changed is the context.
What is the cup we hold life in? How do we hold our lives? You answered one of life's most important questions young man. Now you can soar. Spread your wings and soar lad. And keep soaring.
You are pure gold lad. Pure gold.
Jon-William Patterson
December 3 2004, 4:11PM
Mr. Perry,
I want to commend you on the wonderful work that you are doing in our community. Your voice at the Black AIDS Institute has impacted the youth of the Black LGBT community in a remarkable way. You are a man of courage and strength and I look forward to continue working with you in the future.
Peace,
Jon-William
JP
December 3 2004, 6:31PM
To: Misters Jonathan Perry, Jon-William Patterson, and Mark C. Smith, et. al.
I am taken love these young men's statements and inspired the paths they have chosen. And I love the comments posted here. "Lift Every Voice and Sing!"
Tomorrow appears to be in good hands. The young titans pick up their swords and shields and step forward -- bold, strong, and courageous. They remind me of this quote,
"This is the true joy in life, of being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy." (Man and Superman: Epistle and Dedicatory, George Bernard Shaw (1903).)
Thanks to Keith Boykin. He shows people what we need to see -- good faith and good cheer in the young who are committed to something beyond just themselves alone. Titans every one I think. These lads will grow to be fine men -- they are well on their way. So great to see it. Thanks for the holiday present Keith. May it come back to you ten thousand fold.
Happy Holiday!
Ron
December 5 2004, 2:56PM
Jonathan,
Seek the imaginative dragon in yourself and let it guide you toward a transformed vision of your future goals. Be aware of how you armor yourself with limitng thoughts or rigid ideas. Be willing to complete the cycle of entrapment by opening gently and lovingly to an expanded view of your life. You are indeed an inspiration, and a beacon of light for many.....
Ron LEE
December 8 2004, 1:52AM
These young men are pure gold indeed.And because of your youth and medical science your probably be around for years to come to spread that message of love & enlightment.Make plans for the future gentleman,it looks like your all going to have a bright one.
Omar Williams
December 9 2004, 2:02PM
Jonathan I really feel where you are coming from, and just know that there's at least one other person that feels like you feel, ME.
Omar
Antonio
December 9 2004, 3:59PM
After reading your story and the comments made to your story, I had to stop and think and am I doing my part in this move-ment "yes move-ment" thats what I call it a move-ment in the right direction a move-ment to save other's a move-ment to spread the information, and stop the spread of the virus, as the tears flow down my face what if this were me living with the virus not knowing what to do how to do and were to turn, I now accept the responsibility to make it my place to spread safe sex information, and information about the virus because the worse thing to having the virus is not sharing the information.
Happy PaPi
December 9 2004, 10:43PM
Johnathan Perry:
Thank you for writing about and sharing your thougths and experiences about living with HIV. There seems to be this whole shroud of mystery and shame surrounding the dialogue of young men and the topic of HIV/AIDS transmittion, risk, prevention and finally living with HIV/AIDS within the communities of color. Whether the shroud of shame and silence stems from the cultural, religious or peer pressures, you have taken a step to to shatter that silence that is imposed among communities of color everywhere. Ignoring the issues dont make them go away, nor does it make one immune from the risk of tranmitting or acquiring HIV. Likewise, social, cultural or religously imposed silence only add to further ostracize those who seek true dialogue and want to learn and hear about what is really going on. By bringing your life story to light, you have enlightened all of us, demonstrating that while HIV can be prevented, if you have it ... it does not mean a death sentence. Allowing us inside your heart about how you dealt with and continue to deal with living with HIV allows us to see that you still are a human being very much worthy of respect, and praise. Particularly because you have chosen to live your life optimistically hence forward and that you own all of your demons. Rather than live recklessly and carefree you have chosen to HELP and speak out about HIV/AIDS as a form of healing. It is true that by helping others, you too in turn will help yourself. I commend you for your great bravery and I commend your good heart. May you be blessed with a long and fruitful life full of joy and love.
With love,
PaPi
James A. Perry
December 11 2004, 3:23AM
Dear Jonathan.
I just want you to know that I love you and you are my brother and best friend even after we have gotten old and bald and have grandkids runnin around and even when we die you will always be my best friend. I love you Jonathan. Forever and always I will have your back. Thank you so much for having mine over the years.
Your BIG little brother,
Jamey
O'Neal
December 11 2004, 8:22AM
Hello Jonathan, i just want to applaud you for you stand in what you believe in, for your struggle, and for how you have overcome what so many young men don't know how to overcome and just give in. Hopefully your words will inspire and help other young men that are struggling with what you have overcome and come to live with, HIV/AIDS. And as sure as there is a God above. YOU SHALL COME FORTH LIKE PURE GOLD. KEEP HOPE ALIVE.
papaahouse
December 11 2004, 6:30PM
may i be the first one to say your fight and work is forth right in all respect but it seem to me that you are fighting a losing battle and i say this because we are losing that fight on AIDS 40.000 new reported each year or higher 64% of that is black women with an increase of 1.1% each year. black men as you know is 55% if not higher. aids is the number one cause of death in black people age 25 to 46 now the real sad part of this story is black youth age 13 to 20 were 61% and a increase of a rate of 0.8% a year female of this age range represented 72% black children under age 13 are 63% and thank god it dropping black senior 50% of people over the age of 55.and in mecklenburge county over 82% reported hiv/aids case is black now that mean out of 100 case reported 81is black if that not a losing battle what is bro a lot of wasted time and money.. we need you but not in education.. we need you in aids care and prevention..we may not be able stop the spread of hiv/aids but we can take care for those who are infected it is our god giving obligation and duty to care for the who dose not know how to care for them self as a long term survivor having hiv/aid living with in me for 24 year now and going strong i urge you to join me in the this new fight to make people under that CARE WILL BRING ON PREVENTION
Emmanuel T. BARNER
when you are true so is your heart
Definition of GHETTO: Get Higher Education To Teach Others.
papaahouse
December 11 2004, 6:51PM
papaahouse...people assisting..people..against..aids house
may i be the first one to say your fight and work is forth right in all respect but it seem to me that you are fighting a losing battle and i say this because we are losing that fight on AIDS 40.000 new reported cases each year or higher 64% of that is black women with an increase of 1.1% each year. black men as you know is 55% if not higher. aids is the number one cause of death in black people age 25 to 46 now the real sad part of this story is black youth age 13 to 20 were 61% and a increase of a rate of 0.8% a year female of this age range represented 72% black children under age 13 are 63% and thank god it dropping black senior 50% of people over the age of 55.and in mecklenburge county over 82% reported hiv/aids case is black now that mean out of 100 case reported 81 is black if that not a losing battle what is bro a lot of wasted time and money.. we need you but not in education.. we need you in aids care and prevention..we may not be able stop the spread of hiv/aids but we can take care for those who are infected it is our god giving obligation and duty to care for the who dose not know how to care for them self as a long term survivor having hiv/aid living with in me for 24 year now and going strong i urge you to join me in the this new fight to make people under that CARE WILL BRING ON PREVENTION
Emmanuel T. BARNER
when you are true so is your heart
Definition of GHETTO: Get Higher Education To Teach Others.
Wil B
December 13 2004, 3:07PM
Jonathan,
Knowing you as long as I have, this does not suprise me in the least. Your tenacity and your will is stronger than many people. Stay on this track and you shall go far. You grandmother is very strong and you are exceptionally blessed to have her in your life, I know, I met her.
Take care and best wishes!
WB
Regi Perry
December 13 2004, 4:38PM
Wow! As I read your article I was moved as I too, just this year at 40, have taken ownership of my issues. I am HIV + since 1992 & just this year starting meds. I am an entertainer, Minister & Tailor, I have a 16 yo daughter & a gift of life from The Creator that I have decided to live to the fullest! I applaud you at getting the point so young!
My family stems from Durham, if your a native, we may be related! Holla at a brother!
Regi Perry
Clinton
December 14 2004, 9:46AM
Dearest Jonathan,
I have to say "POWERFUL." I am a best friend to many close friends who are HIV+ and have had the opportunity to experience it at its worse and best through supporting, loving and caring for my close friends, as I did before finding out. Being an HIV- male, I really cannot say that I know how those living with this illness feel or even deal with it BUT, I can say that I matured and come to a great point of acceptance and greater/unconditional love, especially for thsoe near to me. I always find it inspirational when I read such things like your story. From one brother to another - "KEEP UP THE SPIRIT!"
Graciously signed,
Clinton
tim'm
December 16 2004, 3:34PM
Jonathan,
my how wonderful it is to see you grow beyond yourself, beyond your fears and insecurities, to open yourself more fully to yourself... and therefore to others... I am proud to know you.
continue to choose LIVING, each day; and if you ever get a little weary, call me.
i'll fuss at you somethin' good.
tim'm
www.reddirt.biz
carla
December 17 2004, 2:48AM
"He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most high shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty..., for there truly is a Balm in Gilead"
Sublime. I am touched as well as imbued to press beyond life's imposing viccisitudes of injustices and creeping snares. I was surfing the web, and don't know I how landed here because this page is of completely off course from sports. Anyway, I am glad the WWW misdirected me.
Stay strong ball of fire. Peace....
Avon
December 21 2004, 12:35AM
Hey You!
I claim the victory for you, that you are already healed, in Jesus' name... Believe it!
Keep up the good work and keep keeping GOD first. your story is real and it will continue to inspire others (gay/non-gay & straight/non-straight) to speak up, straighten up, and wake up. The Lord is definitely using your story for His glory, honor, and praise. And, I myself (although I am HIV -negative), I have been through a situation where I met someone who did have AIDS, but this person was not up-front and was NOT honest about his status... and we did exchange in oral sex with some penetration, and it wasn't until a week later that this brother came forth and told his 'truth'... so that was crazy right?! (yeah)... and then i got through weeks and weeks of depression... and of course i realize that i was wrong for not using any protection, but NOBODY should ever be set up with someone who lies about having a disease. BUT it was through the Lord that I realized that God didn't set me up for failure, but for me to shar my story to help inspire others and allow others to realize that the disease is real and that we must make wise choices if we are to have sex, whether gay or straight... use protection and be as sure as you can be about being tested and knowing your sex partners. don't be lusty, but be loving - first to GOD, second to yourself, and thrid to everyone else in this world. true, we all make mistakes but we must love ourselvs more so that we remain protected from the devil's attacks.
So again, my brother, stay fired up from God and remember that God is real and Jesus is YOUR HEALER... Don't speak of sickness when Jesus is your doctor... in the Lord there is no sickness and there is no sins. Although we're born in this world of sin, Jesus dies so that you will have life... more abundantly.
I claim the victory for you that YOU WILL BE HEALED... just believe and trust in the Lord. HALLELUJAH! And may God continue to richly Bless you as you magnify His holy name!
I love you man!
Your brother in Christ... Avon Dorsey.